What About Now
by greyshepfan
Summary: Angst filled MerDer with two friends who struggle with temptation.
1. Chapter 1

He sat in the darkness surrounded by silence. The soft glow of the moon filtering in through the blinds as the constant beeping reminded him exactly where he was-where he had been for the last two weeks.

Glancing over his shoulder he watched the soft rhythm of her breathing as her chest fell in a soft up and down motion that mimicked the rhythm of the various machines pumping life through her veins.

Closing his eyes he tried to remember a different time. A time when each day held a promise of forever. A time when pain wasn't part of their lives and betrayal was just a word.

Laughing bitterly he ran his hands through his tousled hair as the sparkle of her wedding band seemed to laugh at him in a mocking fashion. Those days were a distant memory overshadowed long before they had entered this room. That lifetime ended with a forbidden kiss that seemed to fill the void that had built up in her life.

"How did we come to this?" he whispered to her as he walked over and sat on the edge of her bed. Brushing the hair off her forehead he blanched at the coolness of her skin "why-why did you do this-why did we become the couple we always hated?"

There was no answer to his questions. No reason to his whys. The silence was deafening as the hurt danced through his body. He had loved her-hell still loved her. The betrayal was raw but as he stared at her lifeless body he couldn't help but be filled with hurt at the thought of losing her. Anger fueled those feelings deep inside knowing this was just the end of a long emotional run-he had lost her long before now. It was only now that he finally opened his eyes wide enough to realize it.

The sound of the door opening caused him to look up. The bright lights of the hallway blinding him as footsteps slowly paced across the laminate floor.

"I'm sorry I'm so late, I was held up in an emergency surgery" pausing she picked up the chart hung over the side of the bed "a three car pile up, the driver of the second car had severe head trauma-I tried but…" her voice tapered off as she glanced up "anyways."

"Yes anyways" he echoed as he quietly walked over to the window and glanced out overlooking the shadowed parking lot. The scent of lavender filled the air and somehow it soothed him. It always soothed him, she had that effect- that simple fact sent a resounding feeling of guilt into his stomach as he turned around and was met with a pair of green eyes that held a hint of sympathy to them.

"Derek, the test all show that she won't…"

She never got a chance to finish her sentence.

"I know what the test say. I'm a damn Neurosurgeon as well Meredith, I'm your fucking boss and your going to sit her and tell me what? I don't need you to sit there and explain to me what I already know" his voice broke as he took a deep breath "I don't need you to tell me what I already know. She's never going to wake up from this-it's over, done."

"Derek I'm sorry…"

"Don't okay, don't apologize. Don't try to sooth me or tell me she's not in any pain. I know the words, the speeches, I say them everyday remember. She's my wife, and she's dead and the only thing keeping her here in this room is fear-I'm a coward."

The sound of her heels hitting the floor as she crossed the room, pierced through his heart. Her hand softly grazed his shoulder "your not a coward Derek-she's your wife, you deserve the right to be unsure. You deserve a moment to make sure your making the right decision but we both know…"

Nodding he gave into the tears that he had held at bay for so long. The hurt, the anger washed through his body as he cried for the life that was ending. Images filled his head-images of his wedding day, anniversaries, birthdays…images of her-horrible images of her in bed with another man. It was these images that led up to where they were today-it was these images that had left him in the position to say goodbye.

The softness of her arms cradled him as he cried and he was thankful for that. Glancing up he took a deep breath and finally spoke "I need to say goodbye…"


	2. Chapter 2

Meredith stepped out of the room collapsing against the wall. Her own tears threatening to spill over her thick lashes. Her heart ached and the site of Derek as he sat beside Sara saying goodbye would be one that would haunt her forever.

Wiping the tears from her eyes she cursed herself for her weakness. She cursed herself for allowing herself to fall for a married man. She tortured herself as she sat there wishing she could take away his pain.

Two years ago Meredith had walked through the doors of Seattle Grace looking for a new start. Running from being the daughter of a legend and hoping to pave a path of success with her own skills and not run on the tail coats of her Mother, Ellis Grey.

She had walked in with her head held high, determined to show the world what she was made of and it was while she was holding her head so high that she had run into Derek Shepherd. Right smack into him knocking a stack of papers and a luckily luke warm cup of coffee right out of his hands.

Meredith smiled at the memory…

_She had gone on a rambling streak, apologizing as she fumbled to grab the strewn pieces of paper._

"_I'm so sorry, I'm not usually this clumsy it's just…well it's my first day here and I'm already running late. Plus I have to find my new boss and I've heard he's hard. Which means he's probably an ass and I really hate asses" she carried on never bothering to look up as she shook the coffee off the remaining pieces of paper littering the floor "I'm sure he's some arrogant hot shot that will teach me absolutely nothing and send me for coffee…"sighing in exasperation she finally glanced up and in that moment her heart stopped._

_He was amazing. The sexy five o'clock shadow that graced his face was begging to be touched and the piercing blue eyes screamed eye sex at her. She felt flushed as she swallowed hard trying to once again find her voice. If this was any clue to what the other Doctors of Seattle Grace looked like she just might have found her new home._

_He chuckled and she finally snapped out of it noticing his outstretched hand "oh I'm sorry, I'm Meredith Grey the new Neurosurgeon resident."_

_His laughter grew in intensity as the faint lines around his eyes showed his amusement "Derek Shepherd, I would be the ass of a boss you were looking for."_

_Her jaw dropped. Embarrassment filled her body as her cheeks grew an even deeper shade of crimson._

"_Oh my God. I'm so sorry…I didn't mean. Well. It's just…"_

"_Dr. Grey it's okay, I'm glad my residents speak of me so highly it means I'm doing my job-so now that we have that out of the way why don' t you follow me to my office and we can go over a few things."_

Wiping away one of many small tears that covered her cheek, Meredith took a deep breath and prepared to end the life of a fellow friends wife. Regret and guilt filled her as they mixed with her emotions. Her feelings for Derek went much further than co-workers, much deeper than friends, it was wrong that she was the person who would end a life he had built for so long. One thing was for sure life was cruel-and love was even crueler.


	3. Chapter 3

The ticking of the clock was prominent in the room. Almost as if to remind him of the limited time. Time-it was always moving never standing still. Life was busy. Hectic. He walked through each day in a cloud, busy with his career he had forgotten what it meant to be married, to fight for a love that at one time had meant more to him than anything.

Climbing into bed next to her he closed his eyes, trying to wipe out the harsh memories of that day but finding it too hard to do….

_The rain pelted against the window of his car. The sounds of the wipers mixing with the late night radio talk worked to keep him awake. It was late in the night and he was heading home. He had planned to stay all night after the massive explosion of trauma patients that filled the ER tonight after a fatal bus crash. However, the call to his wife had left him unsettled and so now at almost 3 am he found himself fighting to stay awake as he made the familiar drive home._

_Pulling up the long drive tires crushed the small rocks as he dimmed his lights as to not wake her if she was already sleeping. Noticing the car parked along side hers, he felt his stomach tighten fearing the uncertainty that had played in his wife's voice earlier had nothing to do with his late hours and everything to do with the silver Mercedes parked along side hers._

_His footsteps seemed to lull as he reached the porch, his key fitting into the lock like a glove the clicking of the lock turning suddenly seemed as loud as a gunshot as his mind prepared him for what he already knew he would soon walk in on. _

_Soft whimpers filled the hall as if to taunt him._

_His heart begged him to turn away and leave._

_His feet however carried him up the stairs and down the hall…_

_Their bedroom door was open. Her whimpers turning to cries as she fought for release. The sight of his wife locked in an embrace with her partner flashing before his eyes. Her head was thrown back as she sat upon his cock. Sweat glistening off their bodies, the sight of it causing bile to rise into his throat. Tears of anger and betrayal stinging his eyes as his fist clinched. _

_He was locked in place however for what seemed like moments but in reality was mere seconds of torture. Suddenly he turned to walk away and the noise caused them to look up, breaking apart suddenly as cries of anguish at being caught echoed through the large master bedroom._

_She called out his name._

_He kept on walking as if he couldn't hear her. Her hand suddenly reached out and grabbed his arm and he recoiled as if in pain from her touch._

"_Derek I'm so sorry."_

"_Sorry for what Sara? For fucking him or for getting caught?"_

_Guilt flashed across her features and she glanced down as shame filled her eyes "Derek I never wanted it to happen like this, I never meant for this to happen…"_

"_I can't, I can't do this right now. I can't look at you knowing that he was touching you, fucking you in our bed."_

_Anger filled her steel grey eyes "I'm tired of being alone Derek, I'm tired of competing for your attention while you spend all your time at work."_

_Laughing bitterly he smiled " and yet you enjoy spending the money so well."_

_He turned to walk away pausing in the doorway "it's over Sara, I'm done fighting for a marriage that doesn't stand a chance."_

"_Don't do this Derek, we can fix this…I'm sorry" her tears fell rapidly as her body shook. _

_He glanced back one last time. Her body barely covered by the navy blue t-shirt. Her hair still mangled from her pleasures "goodbye."_

_Her anguished cry echoed in his ears as he slammed the door. Lighting filled the sky as the thunders roared through the night. _

That was the last time he saw her. Refusing to answer her many attempted calls as he headed back to the hospital. It wouldn't be till hours later that he would find out she had indeed came after him-chasing him through the storm only to misjudge a turn and roll her car.

Derek laid his head next to hers in the cold hospital and watched as storms once again built in the night air. His hand reaching for hers as he twisted the wedding set that still laid upon her finger "I'm sorry."

"I'm so sorry that this is our ending…it shouldn't have ended like this Sara."

He heard the door open and by the familiar scent that wafted through he knew it was time. Not bothering to glance up he nodded his consent. The sound of a cord being pulled from the wall faintly registered in his ear as he gripped her hand harder whispering apologies over and over. The familiar whooshing sound of air being forced into her lungs came to a stop as fear gripped deep inside his chest knowing it was coming to an end. The machines beeped, slower and slower until finally the last blip was heard and he knew it was over.

A soft hand came to grip his own, a small tear not belonging to him splashing down upon his skin along with a whispered apology and then she was gone…and he was alone.


	4. Chapter 4

The sky was overcast as signs of rain teased the small gathering below. From her view in the back row Meredith could seen his down cast head. From time to time he would glance up gazing out at the crowd a stoic look poised upon his face.

She stood through the service, a pain of hurt crowding her heart as she imagined the turmoil he was suffering through. A soft sound of music accompanied the minister as Derek stood and walked toward the mahogany coffin placing a single rose atop it he paused momentarily finally turning to walk away. Weeping coming from the crowd accompanied each step he took.

He brushed past her, his arm gently knocking her. She followed him instinctively. Racing after him as her heels sunk into the soggy ground. Damn Seattle and damn all this rain.

"Derek!" she called his name desperately having a hard time keeping up.

He ignored her pleas. Determined to get out of here. The limo was in sight and as he was determined to flee wanting to distance himself from everyone around.

Turning to face her he had a hard time looking into her eyes. A guilt built up inside him every time he looked at her. Knowing the feelings for her that had once been built around friendship had turned to lust and desire. He felt dirty, shamed. His marriage had broken into shambles and instead of fixing it he had lusted after his best friend.

He knew she was standing behind him. He could smell the scent of lavender mixing with the small drops of rain that were falling around them.

"Derek please…" she asked him as she finally caught up.

She grabbed the back of his suit jacket. Stopping him in his tracks. He turned to face her. The once warm inviting depths of his blue eyes were cold. Hatred seemed to have overtaken love and he appeared empty.

"Derek" her voice thick with emotion she felt the first tear fall as he pulled away as if her touch burned.

"Don't-I don't need you…I don't need anyone."

She watched him walk away sobs overtaking her. He was hurting and though he had never been hers, she had carried an unrequited love around for a man who was married. As she watched his defeated steps carry him across the cemetery to the awaiting limo her heart broke for the broken man he had become.

Derek stepped into the back of the limo no destination in mind but knowing he was not ready to go back to Sara's parents. Knowing he was unable to face the crowd of loved ones who pitied him. He didn't deserve their pity, he didn't deserve to feel anything.

Watching the streets pass through the tinted windows of the limo he felt like a voyeur as he silently watched the people outside living their lives. Pulling the flask of scotch from his suit jacket. Sighing he took the first sip of the amber liquid and prayed the numbness of the alcohol would ease him into oblivion.

His marriage was over long before now but the aspect of never seeing her again hurt. Divorce he could have faced-watching her move on, living a life without him. This however was cruel. This was painful as he thought of the woman he had loved.

His hand gripping the flask tightly he used his free hand to loosen the tie that was now beginning to strangle him. Tearing the indigo fabric free he fought to gain control of his labored breaths. The city view had disappeared and now they were traveling down an all but vacant country road. A huge for sale sign above caused him to call out to the driver "stop."

The limo came to a slow halt as Derek stepped out. His footsteps determined as they walked forward. Leaving the road he followed the sign and began walking at a faster pace down a gravel drive. At the end of the path he was greeted with an open field. Land of green grass stretched as far as the eye could see, falling to his knees he gave into his grief as he over looked out over the view of Seattle. Small drops of rain began to fall on his Armani suit clinging to the strands of hair that flitted across his forehead. Lying on the ground alone he let out his grief but more than anything he tried to will away the anger that was blackening his soul as he screamed in anguish thankful no one was around to hear him.


	5. Chapter 5

Meredith walked through the door of her house just as the rain let go from the sky. The thunder and lightning playing tag as the storm rolled through. She kicked off the black Jimmy Chu black pumps, the sound of them hitting the wall played in the back round as her fingers worked the buttons open down the front of her black knee length dress.

She had an undeniable urge to strip herself of the dress that would forever be a reminder of the look upon his face today. She should of known better than to reach out to help him. Offering a shoulder to lean on would not be what he wanted from her.

Standing in her kitchen in a pair of black lace boy shorts and matching bra she reached for the bottle of Patron in the top cabinet. Removing the lid she let the smell waft up as she grabbed a small glass. Filling it to the brim she threw the shot back hoping to block the memories of her past mistakes out-tonight of all nights was not a night when she needed constant reminder of the rejection that had sat like a stale reminder in her heart over the last year-sitting alone she thought back to a time when he was still her best friend…

"_Dr. Grey wait up."_

_Meredith turned to see Dr. Shepherd walking up beside her, smiling softly she stopped. Hoping he wouldn't notice her stare-he really was something to look at._

"_You did really well in there. I've talked to your resident at Boston General and apparently you were quite the star there. Why did you leave?"_

_Eyeing him she shook her head lightly " worrying about me Dr. Shepherd. Don't worry I'm not on the run it was just time for a change of scenery."_

_Derek chuckled "I'm not worried, your too cute to be dangerous. I'm going to grab a cup of coffee before our next surgery. Would you like to join me?"_

"_On one condition, call me Meredith. My Mother is Dr. Grey. I'm just Meredith."_

_Nodding he acknowledged her request "well then Meredith-coffee?"_

"_Absolutely" she said as she walked next to him towards the cafeteria._

They had started out slowly. He introduced her to Seattle. They enjoyed coffees and late dinners at work. However it was strictly platonic. For once she had a friend-one she could actually count on.

"_Hey those are mine" Meredith moaned as Derek stole a few of her fries._

"_Now their mine" smiling he sat down beside her "Sara and I are going for dinner and the Palaside tonight. You should join us."_

"_I don' t wanna."_

_Derek feigned hurt "don't' want to have dinner with me, why not?"_

"_I don't want to be the third wheel. It's getting old. I look pathetic."_

"_You don't look pathetic. Your too cute to look pathetic. Come on dinner at eight. Don't be late. Hey I rhymed."_

_Rolling her eyes she slapped his hand away as he grabbed for another fry "what are you eight?"_

"_Don't be jealous because I'm a poet and good looking."_

"_Okay you might be a poet, but your not that good looking" she teased as she stood up to throw her trash away._

"_You think I'm very good looking. I saw the way you stared at me last week when I was wearing my red shirt. You know the good looking one."_

_Her eyes widened just a bit as a flush covered her cheeks. He knew-he'd noticed. She began to sputter until she noticed his laughter._

"_Don't get so upset Mer, it was a joke" glancing down at his beeper he smiled "dinner then tonight."_

_Nodding she watched him walk away. Still trying to gain her composure thinking he had realized her thoughts._

Standing Meredith walked towards the windows staring out at the rain pelting her windows. He was a good man. An honorable man and she wished there was a way to stop his pain. Lord knows he had helped her over the years…

_She sat sitting in the dark supply closet. Tears streaming down her face as sobs racked her body. The door opened silently allowing light to stream in briefly as it radiated his form. _

_Silently he stepped into the small space, closing the door behind him. Dropping down beside her they sat in silence. His arm reach around her to pull her close "are you okay?"_

_Meredith nodded as her head rested on his shoulder. She breathed deeply allowing his scent-his closeness, to calm her._

"_You want to talk about it?"_

"_We broke up" she murmured._

"_Oh Meredith, I'm sorry. Why?"_

_Shrugging she shook her head " he said I'm never going to commit, so he just didn't it going anywhere."_

_Her cries grew harder as she burrowed in deeper against his side "what is wrong with me Derek. Why can't I commit. Why am I always pushing people away. I don't want to die alone."_

"_Listen to me Meredith, you push them away because you haven't found the right one yet" lifting her chin up so he could look into her eyes he wiped the tears away "and you'll never die alone you'll always have me."_

Pouring herself another drink she remembered that last part like it was yesterday _you'll always have me…._too bad she'd crossed the line and proved that to be untrue.

_Walking through the halls she was upset. He had stood her up for the second time this week. Lunch. It was a simple meal-middle of the day requirement of food. Everyday same time-together they ate. _

_Usually they would share a sandwich and bitch about their days, sometimes in his office, mostly on the catwalk. As she pushed open the door of his office he turned quickly in his chair his blue eyes pleading for forgiveness._

"_I'm sorry" he mouthed motioning for her to take a seat._

_Rolling her eyes and sighing she watched as her best friend finished the conversation with Sara's interior decorator. Rolling her eyes from time to time with each mention of patterns and various shades of blue._

"_Your such a girl" she teased as he hung up the phone._

"_I am not, I don't even want to redo the kitchen but she keeps insisting."_

"_She's bored Derek. She needs a hobby" Meredith opened the bag that contained her salad and started to eat._

"_Hey what's in that bag for me?" he asked crossing the room and peaking inside the brown sac._

"_Not a damn thing, you stood me up and you think I'm going to buy you lunch?"_

_Wiggling his brow he played on the puppy dog eyes._

"_Not gonna work Shepherd, I'm in too fowl of a mood."_

"_Date with Andy again?" he asked as he sat down beside her._

"_Mhmm" pausing with the fork between her lips she furrowed her brow "there's just something about him that is bothering me, I can't put my finger on it but something just doesn't feel right?"_

_Rolling his eyes Derek reached in to snag a crouton "I'm sure it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that he won't tell you where he lives and only calls you not the other way around" glancing down at his ringing phone he shook his head and turned it off "come on Mer the man has a wife, he has to."_

"_Speaking of wives…" she questioned him with her eyes hoping he would just say it and not make her ask "how are things with you and Sara?"_

_Running his hand through his hair he let his arm drape on the couch behind her "I don't know…it's just not like it use to be. We've grown apart, it's as if she's pulling away."_

_Meredith stared down at the container of salad in her lap. Conflicted as emotions danced through her. A connection that balanced between friendship and more kept her from blurting out her feelings-for fear of hurting him. What if Sara was seeing someone, what if she had someone new keeping her warm and this was her pushing him away._

_. Using her fork to push the remaining lettuce around she couldn't help berate herself-this was just her sub-conscious working over time. Her love for the man sitting next to her was causing her to jump to conclusions. How wrong was it to love your boss, to secretly desire your best friend knowing he was off limits. _

_Glancing up she noticed he was staring a small smile playing upon his lips. A lock of hair had fallen over his forehead and she gave into the urge to push it away. The feeling of warm skin on skin sent goose bumps over her flesh as her hand paused in it's plight._

_She stared into the eyes of the man she knew and respected so well. Subconsciously she licked her lip as she breathed in deeply. She would never know what caused her to do it what ran through her mind in those few seconds but somehow she was leaning in-her eyes dropping to his full lips. _

_He didn't push her away and then she felt it. Her lips touched his. She felt the shock in his touch but soon enough his lips softened and moved beneath hers. Closing her eyes she breathed in the soft scent of his aftershave. Her senses reeling in overdrive as her fingers wove into his hair as her body begged for him to be closer. _

_Just as soon as it began it was over. His hands gently cupping her arms as he pushed her away._

"_Meredith…"_

"_I, I'm so sorry" she gasped. Jumping up off the couch she paced the now extremely close quarters of his office._

"_No, Meredith don't apologize. It wasn't only you…but I'm married and I can't do this."_

_She nodded. Embarrassment and hurt keeping her from speaking. Her lips still tingled from his. Her skin cool to the touch felt bereft now that he was no longer holding her. It hurt-to know she so desperately loved a man who was devoted to another and even more hatred filled her body at the thought that she would be the type of person to come between two people._

"_I should go" she whispered not bothering to glance at him._

"_Meredith. We're okay right?"_

"_Derek, I'm-we're…"_

"_Meredith listen to me, it was nothing. Just let it go. I care too much about our friendship to lose you."_

_It was nothing. Friends. Lose you. They were all slaps in the face considering how she felt about him. Looking into his eyes though she knew she couldn't hurt him by walking away "we're fine Derek."_

_She smiled softly and left._

Now sitting in the dark nursing her drink Meredith stared out her window as she remembered the day that had changed their relationship for good. The last six months had bore an uncomfortable breech. The further apart Derek and Sara grew the more guilty she felt.

She would catch him at times glancing in her direction, lost in thought. From time to time he would start to say something only to stop as if the words were caught in his throat. She knew as did the rest of the hospital that his marriage was on the skits but he was a good man and he would never cross the bonds of marriage.

A bolt of lightning filled her living room as a clap of thunder caused her to jump just as the doorbell rang. She ignored it, hoping whoever it was would take a hint. However the persistent ringing clued her in to the fact that her visitor wasn't going anywhere. Grabbing a robe she quickly tied it calling out "I'm coming, I'm coming."

Glancing through the peep hole she felt her breath catch. Pulling back the chain and unbolting the lock she tried to gather her composure as she pushed the door open and stood face to face with him.

Derek stood before her his Black suit soaked and covered in grass and mud. He was worn. Defeated. His eyes were dark and void of emotion as he stared at her, pleading.

"Derek your soaked" she gently said stating the obvious. Unsure of what to say. Not really knowing why he was here.

"Meredith" his voice was filled with anguish as he spoke "I need you. I don't know where else to go and I just can't be alone. I'm not ready to be alone."

Stepping aside she let him walk by. Her eyes staring at the man who once walked tall and proud. The man who usually wore a smile that melted most of the nurses on the surgical floor. Now as he walked by slowly, he was a mere image of the man he was before. The man she let in tonight was broken-and somehow she knew she had to help fix him she just wasn't sure exactly where to start.


	6. Chapter 6

"Your soaked" her eyes were filled with small unshed tears as she helped pull the wet jacket from his shoulders. Watching as he popped open the buttons on his shirt. The once crisp white shirt was now wrinkled and soaked through as he shrugged it off and tossed it on a chair. His dark wavy hair curled around his ears and clung to his neck. There was no depth to his eyes as they pleaded with her.

She could tell he was battling with inner turmoil but somehow she wasn't sure it all had to deal with Sara's death. Something more was battling with his emotions but she knew, now was not the time to ask.

She watched as he walked further into her living room. Stopping as he looked around. He took notice of the bottle of tequila and half heartedly smiled "do you mind."

She could tell he'd been drinking but she also knew tonight was not the night to set limits. He had buried his wife today. Who the hell was she to tell him when enough was enough. If he wanted to drown his sorrows in a bottle of liquor than so be it. Hell the way she felt tonight she'd been on her way to that same relief before he came.

Not bothering with a glass he tipped the bottle back. The clear liquid pooling as he swallowed the burning making a path down his throat. He placed the bottle down on the ceramic table top not bothering to turn around, he could feel her eyes as they bore through his back as if her fingers were dancing against his skin.

The alcohol had turned his mind to nothing but a cynical filled mess. He hated himself for what his life had become. He hated the fact that he had allowed his marriage to get to a point where it was okay to be unfaithful…he was anguished over the fact that he had lost a woman he had once loved.

However standing in here in Meredith's living room in nothing but a pair of pants, fist clinched at his sides he hated himself for none of those reasons. Tonight he was disgusted with the guilt that ate away at him. He hated himself for being a man filled with lust. He loathed himself for desiring her-needing her, wanting to use her body to make all the pain that was filling his heart disappear. Because no one but the lowest of creatures would have these feelings after burying their dead wife. A wife who had died chasing him.

Walking towards her he wanted nothing more than to tangle his hands in her shoulder length blonde hair. She wore it up today soft pins tucking it up as soft tendrils escaped and laid in spiraled curls around her neck. The robe she wore was bulky and yet still sexy. It was a deep red, such a contrast against her pale skin. It brought out the green in her eyes. Oh those eyes. Those eyes held a glint of fear as she stared at him. He knew he was frightening her but somehow that made him feel slightly better. Knowing that she was keeping her distance. Because he definitely was failing when it came to keeping himself at bay. His eyes traveled over the her breast. Lingering on the v the robe had formed as it laid slightly open. Her breast swelled beneath the material causing it to gape just slightly.

Holding the bottle to his lips once again he drank. Drank from the cup of courage. Swallowing hard, he didn't even grimace this time as the liquid settled in his stomach. Instead he sat the bottle back on the table and closed the distance between them.

"Derek?"

"Don't talk Meredith, please just don't talk."

Her tongue darted out and licked her lips which tasted of salt from her tears. Her breath hitched in her throat when she felt his fingers pluck the pins from her hair sending it uncoiling around her shoulders.

The look on his face was unreadable as his hand cupped her neck. She swallowed hard as she felt his cool hand travel across her skin. Stopping briefly at the hollow of her throat. He did not look into her eyes. His gaze was lost on watching his hand against her body. She could feel the tears burning, begging to be released. She knew he was hurting, angry, but this was not what he truly wanted. For two years she had fantasized what it would feel like to have his hands touching her like this.

"Derek?"

"Just let me feel you, your so real and so soft. Just don't say no Meredith. Please" finally looking into her eyes he begged " you can hate me tomorrow Meredith because God knows I will but tonight please…"

Closing her eyes she felt his hand as it pushed her robe aside. Her body betrayed her as it responded to his touch. Her nipples already straining against the fabric of her bra as they too begged for his touch. She heard his quick intake of breath.

"Your beautiful. I knew you would be so beautiful. So pure, to sweet for me to touch, but I'm too fucking messed up to turn away" he was angry as he battled with reason.

Wanting to stop him she found herself standing instead exposed to his view. Feeling his pain and his struggles she noticed a small tear work it's way out of his eyes. Reaching out with her hand she cupped his cheek and then he was leaning in.

The first touch of his lips was gentle. Barely brushing against her own. Such a featherlike touch she almost missed it. However as gentle as it began it ended just as quickly as his lips dominated hers once again.

His hands tangled in her hair as he pulled her head back. Opening her mouth further to allow his tongue to invade. It was almost punishing the way his teeth nipped at her lips. She tasted like tequila and he laughed at the thought considering how intoxicatingly beautiful she was he considered allowing her taste to get him drunk. Her scent to wash away his memories. Her touch to make him forget that he had ignored her for nothing.

As he kissed her he thought about all the times he had wanted to hold her in his arms but didn't. As his hands worked to push the straps of her lace bra down over her milky white shoulders he thought of all the times his eyes had lingered on her curves only to look away with guilt. As his tongue curled around her nipple he thought of all the times he'd walked into an on call room and watched her sleep only to tip toe out moments later in disgust.

Tonight he didn't care. Tonight he was throwing honorable out the window. Closing his eyes he willed his mind to shut out everything but the sounds of her sweet whimpers. He didn't want to think about what today meant, he just wanted to feel. He wanted to feel her legs wrapped around his waist-her breast filling his hands. He wanted to finally know what it would feel like to have her sweet body taking his cock deep within her.

He wanted to be dirty. To take her, use her, to lose himself in her body and never find his way back. His lips trailed over her collar bone. Lingering when he realized how much she liked it. His hands dipped into the panties that he was sure on any other day would have drove him crazy-today however he had no need for them. They were just a distraction, a hindrance. Pushing them down he lifted her leg over his shoulder as he dropped to his knees.

"Derek…you can't."

"You want me" he whispered.

She wanted to deny it, but she knew she couldn't. Not today, not tomorrow or the day after next…she'd always wanted him and as sick as it was her body stood in front of him yearning for what he was willing to give.

He didn't speak a word, instead he allowed his tongue to dart out and softly tease the crevice of her pussy lips. Separating them as he delved in deeper tasting her. She was wet so he knew that what ever it was she was fighting against wasn't enough to make her not respond to him.

Hidden beneath her folds he found the little nub that brought her nails digging into his back. Soft, slow licks. Torturing her as her clit swelled under his attacks. Sweeping his tongue up and down slowly, pausing now and again to apply the softest of sucks.

It was an addiction, her taste. Never had he tasted anything like her. Her leg draped further over his shoulder pulling him in as closely as she could. His face buried in her pussy. His tongue working over time to draw the screams from her lungs. Her body was covered now in a fine sheen of sweat. The curls that had fallen so smoothly now wet with sweat as they clung to her neck and cheeks.

He could feel her holding back. He could sense she was keeping herself from letting go. Growling from deep with in he spread her lips exposing her further. As first one and then another finger worked inside her tight little body.

"Don't hold back Meredith."

"I can't Derek, oh God- please" she begged as her body betrayed her even further.

She didn't want it to be like this. She had wanted him for so long and now she was riding on a release that would be a regret tomorrow. Her body convulsed around his fingers. His tongue slowing as she came down from her climax.

Her back was to the wall. Her breathing was labored as her robe was still draped over her body.

He stood quickly, his hands fumbling over the zipper of his pants. He hurried as if he was afraid of losing his courage. A need so great filled him as he freed his cock from the confines of his boxers. Standing with his pants pooled around his ankles he picked her up in his strong arms. Wanting to close his eyes to keep from having to see the failure of himself in her eyes- he resisted. Watching her as he lowered her body onto his cock. Her body stretching and adjusting to accept him.

She was tight and warm. It was the most amazing thing he'd ever felt which drove the guilt to a newer height. Plunging deep into her body there was no gentleness now. A need to fuck consumed him as he pulled out only to thrust back in quickly. His movements became quick and determined as his body fit to hers perfectly. Resting her back against the wall his hands held her hips using them to gain momentum as he moved her body up and down on his rigid shaft. Her body was slick and tasted of salt as his lips moved over her skin. He felt her stiffen and heard her whimpers as she came. Her body clenching on his sent him over the edge, his fingers digging into her hips. Letting go he groaned out loud-almost screaming as he came.

For the briefest of moments he held her close as if this was normal. As if everything was as it should be. Sooner than later though the guilt returned and he found his body aching in anguish as he sobbed into her hair.

"I'm so sorry Meredith, I'm so sorry" he cried.

She held him close as the tears streamed down her face. It hurt to know the regret was already setting in. It hurt to know he was using her to replace the memory of the woman he loved. She stood cradling him in her arms she pushed her pain to the side hoping she could comfort him even if it was only for the night.


	7. Chapter 7

Derek pulled away slowly. The lull of the alcohol fading. He stared into those green eyes that were filled with so much trust and yet so much hurt and he had to turn away.

She pulled her robe closed. Her body coming down from the feelings of release as they were replaced with fear. Fear of rejection, of loneliness. She knew he wasn't ready-that this had been something built on anger and confusion and it all seemed so common and dirty.

"Meredith."

"Derek don't, it's okay" she tied the sash on her robe as she watched him refasten his pants.

"It's not okay Meredith, it will never be okay."

She needed to gather herself together so she could help him. Her feelings were rushing through her body to fast to control and right now she wasn't sure what to say or do. So she stood in silence. Staring at the man who had just made her feel so alive and yet so used all at the same time.

"Would you like some coffee?" she asked walking into the kitchen. Seeking out an escape, a reason to look away from the pain in his eyes that reflected hers so well.

Derek opened his mouth to talk and no words escaped. He watched her walk away. He stood waiting for the guilt to sink in. Waited for regret to overtake him for sleeping with her. Shaking his head he felt nauseous because in this moment the only regret was he wished he had been more gentle.

Standing in the kitchen she took longer than needed to put the coffee on. Her hands clenching the tiled countertop she willed the tears away. Finally turning to face him she smiled softly "you look like you could use a shower-if you want to….I mean, well I could get you towels or something."

His eyes wore an unreadable expression as a forced smile appeared on his lips "that would be nice."

She gathered some towels and toiletries lining them up on the counter. She was lost in thoughts deep in her own world when he approached.

"Actually a bath might be nice. Would you mind?"

She glanced up the piercing look of his darkened eyes shooting through her to the point where it almost stole her thoughts "umm yes. That would be fine. Would you like anything in it?"

"Meredith stop."

She turned to face him, however her eyes couldn't meet him this time. She couldn't lift her head to stare into those blue eyes that now left her feeling alone.

"Meredith" his voice was full of anguish as he lifted her chin to look into her eyes "it's me, it's not you. If anything you give me peace and that makes me feel guilty as hell because I don' t deserve peace."

Nodding she swallowed hard, still unable to speak.

"Lavender" he whispered.

"What?" she asked lost as to what he was saying.

"You always smell like lavender. It comforts me. So add lavender."

"Oh Derek" nodding she found the familiar bottle and started his bath. Her fingers grazed upon the water testing it's warmth.

Standing she smiled softly "it's ready."

Nodding he started to remove his pants. Pausing at the soft gasp she let out "I'm sorry Meredith, I just…I guess I wasn't thinking."

"No, your fine. I'm sorry" she felt silly growing shy over seeing him naked after what they had just done "really Derek your fine. I'll just leave…give you your privacy."

His arm reached out to stop her "actually do you mind staying. Would you sit with me. Talk to me. Just let me know you're here."

Nodding she pulled out a stool and sat as he stepped into the tub. Bubbles covering him mid chest. He laid his head back against the edge of the tub allowing his eyes to close.

The silence loomed between them. His breathing so even she thought maybe he had fallen asleep. She sat on her stool leaned against the wall watching him at rest. Wishing she could wipe away the anger that seemed to be building up around him. She was comforted by the sight of him in her tub.

Sitting there watching him she allowed her eyes to roam over his body. The strong perfect hands that clutched the edge of the tub. The dark wavy hair that was curling up even more from the heat of the water. She took in his broad chest and shoulders and his arms that seemed strong enough to keep anyone safe from anyone. Those arms had held her just moments before…she wanted to feel them again.

Derek could feel her gazing at him. He knew she was watching him believing him to be asleep. He couldn't even imagine what she thought of him, how she must feel about what happen earlier. He regretted it. He really did-and yet he couldn't push the images out of his head. The sensations of being buried deep within her haunted him. Swallowing he opened his eyes and met her stare dead on. Neither blinking-just lost in the sea of emotion that flowed between them. Finally he cast his eyes downward only to just as quickly glance up again, breathing in deeply he found his courage….

"She cheated on me. She cheated on me, and I found her and I was angry…I was angry not because my wife was fucking some stranger. No, I could handle that anger" pausing he shook his head "I was angry because I couldn't find it in myself to care like I should of. I went through the motions, I yelled, I screamed…and yet part of me was relieved because it was over. It was over and I could finally give in to my own temptation" laughing bitterly he a splashed water over his face. That's right Meredith, I was upset because I was honorable. I was the good guy and watched you everyday, wanting you and yet did nothing about it and here it was for no reason because my wife was home fucking away with no care in the world."

"Derek…"

"What kind of man doesn't care that his wife is cheating on him? What kind of man Meredith? The best part of all…she chased me" he saw the look of surprise in her eyes "that's right Meredith I'm the reason she's dead. She chased me and now she's lying six feet under and I just gave in to my temptation…I just did what I wanted to do for so long and I don't feel any better."

She stifled the cry that built up in her throat. The pain from knowing what she was to him. A conquest, revenge…a way to make himself feel better. She wanted to hurt him, to lash out on him and yet she couldn't.

"Hate me Meredith. I deserve it."

"I don't hate you."

"Damn it Meredith, did you just hear what I said? I'm the reason she's dead! I wanted you, I wanted you in the worse way and I took advantage of that and you don't hate me?"

She shook her head wiping away the tears that had broken free "I could never hate you."

Derek looked away in disgust for himself "it would be easier if you did."

"Then maybe that's your punishment…" standing she walked out of the bedroom.

Moments later she was dressed in a pair of sweats and a t-shirt. The door to the bathroom opened and he stepped out wearing only a towel. She closed her eyes in hatred for herself as lust pooled in her body, but she only walked over to her drawers and pulled out an extra pair of sweats " here try these, they might fit."

He dressed quietly unsure as to what to do next. He watched her crawl into her bed. Glancing up at him she pulled back the covers "you don't need to be alone tonight Derek."

He sighed knowing he should leave but instead his footsteps carried him into the bed. Lying beside her he pulled her close sobbing into her hair until the scent of her hair and her soothing fingers in his own calmed him-and he slept.


	8. Chapter 8

When Meredith awoke she was alone. The blankets next to her were pulled up and tucked neatly as if he had never been there. Rolling over onto her side she tried to block the demanding sunshine that was glaring through the windows. Noticing the piece of paper on the pillow she picked it up holding it carefully, afraid to read what was held inside. Opening the note her eyes glanced over the simple words:

_**Meredith,**_

_**I'm sorry.**_

_**Forever, **_

_**Derek**_

Closing her eyes she finally sobbed. She released the emotions she had kept pent up last night. Her tears flowed like rain soaking the pale green pillow cases. Sobs escaping her small frame with enough force to shake the bed-he was gone. She had fantasized about a married man, her friend and this was the outcome. Nothing more, nothing less than what she deserved.

The wheels of his Range Rover crackled over the gravel drive. Coming to a stop in the clearing he stepped out over looking the magnificent view as far as his eyes could see. This was it, this was his new beginning. The sound of a car approaching caused him to turn and wave as his real estate agent stepped out.

"Doctor Shepherd sorry I'm running a little late," holding out her hand she smiled "Lucy Grant…nice to meet you."

"Ms. Grant. Thank you for coming on such short notice."

The real estate agent took in her good looking client and smiled softly "not a problem, so what do you say we get some contracts signed."

Derek smiled half heartedly as he turned to once again take a look around, it was all his, a place to call home.

Stepping off the elevator Meredith still had her eyes shielded with her oversized sunglasses. Crying was never good for her appearance and today was no exception. As she walked towards the resident lounge she felt a soft tap on her shoulder and turned coming face to face with the chief.

"Meredith."

"Chief Webber, good morning."

"How is he? The truth. Not the load of shit he fed me this morning" he asked with true concern ringing through in his voice.

"Derek, was here" she asked hesitantly "what did he tell you?"

"He asked for a leave which I was more than ready to give him. However, he said he was fine. That he knew what he wanted out of his life, but Meredith he looked dark and he was emotionless as if it was just another day at work."

"He took leave? How long?"

"A month."

Meredith nodded dread gripping her knowing it had a lot to do with avoidance. Avoiding her, time to forget last night.

"Chief he's as good as you would expect. He just buried his wife…he'll be fine."

Turning she walked away thinking of how fine Derek would be. The question was would she ever be able to return to the person she use to be.

Derek stood to the side of the drive watching the eighteen wheeler hauling his new airstream trailer down the drive. A trailer. His new home was a trailer. Chuckling he thought about how crazy it sounded after living a life of wealth. Big houses, fast cars…

_Meredith would think this was insane._

Stopping the thought from going any further he pushed his thoughts of her to the side. He wasn't going to think about her, want her, talk to her. He had hurt her and he was going to make sure she was never hurt again-at least by him. He would make sure she moved on-staying out of her life was the best thing he could do for her. She deserved so much more than he could ever give.

_**You could be happy **_

_**and I won't know**_

_**But you weren't happy **_

_**the day I watched you go**_


	9. Chapter 9

"So did you go?"

Meredith looked up to see Christina setting her tray down on the table next to hers. She didn't need to ask where it was Christina was talking about.

"Yea I went."

Christina tour the plastic off her sandwich and added some mayo as she continued to talk, never noticing that Meredith was lost-lost in another place, another time.

"Of course you went, I mean you guys are like bosom buddies or something, which is really weird by the way. Or well you use to be-what's up with that anyways?"

Meredith picked up her can of Diet Coke bringing it to her lips to drink, using it as an excuse to avoid the conversation. The sound of the legs of a chair sliding across the floor broke up their conversation as Izzie and George joined them at the table.

Meredith was thankful for the distraction as Christina drilled George on the new Cardio Attending.

The sounds of their voices, their crude jokes and vicious teasing all faded as her mind took her back-lost once again in a different time, she thought of him…

"_Meredith wait up…"_

"_I'm late, what's up?" she asked stopping in the hall as she turned to face him._

"_You look hot" he whispered in her ear as his eyes traveled over her._

_She wore a black dress that fell at mid-thigh. The bodice of the dress was gathered emphasizing her breast and the gauzy material was thin enough to give just a glimpse of what lie beneath._

_Raising her eyebrows she teased "why thank you Dr. Shepherd…if you can keep a secret I'm hoping to get laid."_

_She waited for his laughter but instead his eyes darkened and when he spoke his voice was gruff and held a slight edge to it "I was looking for you because you didn't' t follow up on Mr. All's chart."_

_Meredith stared at him curiously knowing she had checked up on her patient right before she'd finished up her shift "Derek it's in the chart. His vitals were stable and he was showing significant progress with the use of his right hand" grabbing the chart out of Derek's hand she opened and pointed to her writing that graced the bottom of the page in bold blue ink "it's right here…how could you miss it?"_

_His gaze grew harsh as he grabbed the chart back "well I'm sorry to bother you, as you have such __**important**__ plans tonight, I overlooked something Meredith. That's no reason to jump down my throat."_

"_Jump down your throat? I wasn't-I didn't…what is wrong with you?"_

_His eyes bore into hers as he opened his mouth to speak "nothing, I'm sorry I'm just tired and not feeling so good…you should go. Have fun. Get lucky" he said the last part with a hint of sarcasm before he smiled softly and walked away._

Meredith sat remembering, knowing now it was because he was battling his own needs and desires for her just as she had for him. Closing her eyes she willed the tears away as the hurt from his rejection once he had her hit full force once again…

"Meredith, earth to Dr. Grey."

Shaking her head she turned to look at Christina once she realized she was talking "what did you say-I was…"

"Off on another planet. Yea we noticed. I asked if Derek was coming back anytime soon?" Christina asked as she started stacking her trash onto her tray.

Walking together to the trash can Meredith sighed before answering "Oh. Umm the chief said something about him taking a month leave…so I guess not."

"Are you okay? Cause you don't look okay?" Christina asked. Stopping she pulled Meredith into a corner eyeing her suspiciously.

"I'm fine" seeing the look of disbelief on her friends faces she nodded "seriously, I'm fine. Just worried about Derek."

"If your so worried you should call him. Or go see him."

"Yea. I will. Tonight. Now really I'm okay."

As they said their goodbyes and headed off in opposite directions Meredith found a hidden corner. Sinking to the floor she tucked her knees into her chest and gave into her emotions wondering all the while if the tears would ever stop, if the pain would ever go away.


	10. Chapter 10

Derek sat alone on the steps of his new home. The stars filled the midnight blue sky and the only sounds that could be heard for miles around was the soft humming of the crickets from deep with in the dark. Picking up the glass bottle that sat beside him he lifted it to his mouth and took a swig of the bitter tasting beer.

His life felt so mundane. Full of mistakes, and everyday task that no longer held any meaning. He was walking through his days as if he just existed. No purpose. No meaning. He was just here.

It had been two weeks since he had buried his wife. Two weeks since he had slept with his best friend and walked away leaving nothing but a note. A note. An apology. Laughing bitterly he thought of what an ass he really was. His insides curled up in agony over the thought of her wakening to those two words…_I'm sorry._

Sorry for what? For fucking her the day he had buried his wife. For wanting her as a married man. Was he sorry for the fact that he hadn't even bothered to remove his pants? Finishing off his beer he threw it, slamming the glass bottle against the side of the trailer. Watching as glass splintered and fell to the ground.

"Why?" he screamed into the night air, knowing there was no one around to hear him.

Standing he shrugged his shoulders trying to ease the stiffness that had worked into his muscles from fishing all day. He had hoped to relax. Hoped to spend the day standing knee deep in the water letting go of his past. Instead he had focused on her. Thoughts of her. Visions of her haunting his head. He should be thinking of his dead wife. He didn't want to be thinking of Meredith Grey but his head wouldn't let him think of anything else.

His thoughts were consumed with memories of her hair lying across his arm when he woke up. Her eyes. Those green orbs of passion as she clung to his shoulders taking his thrust. The scent of lavender that had followed him through out his day once he left. Images of biting her lip as she came. When he sat alone he could remember her tears. Her soft sobs as she tried to sooth him, ignoring her own pain…these were his haunting thoughts. His torture.

Many times over the last few weeks he had picked up his phone to call her. Only to toss it to the side cursing himself for even thinking it. Several times he had driven by her house. Parking. Waiting-just to catch a glimpse of her. Telling himself he just wanted to make sure she was okay.

It was as if he was a man possessed. The problem was he couldn't have her. What ever he touched fell apart and he couldn't-wouldn't do that to her.

The ringing of his cell phone brought him out of his thoughts. Crossing the small space of ground back to his trailer he checked the caller id and answered it curiously wondering why he would be calling him at this time of night.

"Hello?"

"Hey Derek, it's Joe. From Emerald City Bar."

Derek furrowed his brow. Recognizing the person on the other end but still not understanding why he was calling.

"Yea Joe. Hey how are you doing?"

"I'm good. Good. Listen I was sorry to hear about your wife. Did you get the arrangement we sent?"

Derek took a deep breath. Tired of hearing apologies "yes I did thank you. Listen Joe, not to sound rude but it's late and I was heading to bed. Was there something you needed?"

"Well actually not what I need but what she needs, Dr. Grey is here and well…she's not in a position to drive. I really tried to think of someone else to call and if you can think of someone I will…but I don't want to just send her home in a cab."

"No don't do that. Did you try Dr. Yang" Derek asked hoping that the answer would be no.

"Yea she's on call tonight along with Izzie and George, so she suggested I call you. Listen in light of everything I'd understand if you didn't want to. I'm sure I can call her a cab and she'll be just fine."

Derek closed his eyes as the pain built up in his chest. He knew what he had to do-he just hoped he had the courage to face her.

"No. I'll be there, just don't let her leave."

Hanging up the phone he grabbed his keys and headed to his car. Opening the door he climbed in behind the wheel. Using his key in the ignition he listened as his car roared to life. Sitting there gripping the wheel he hopped and prayed he could face her, but even more he hoped he had the ability to resist her.

Driving down the dark road that would lead him into the city limits of Seattle he listened to the song on the radio. A familiar tune that use to bring a smile to his lips. A memory flashed through his mind as he listened to the familiar tune…

"_Meredith what are you doing?" Derek yelled from his corner of Joes as he sat with Mark._

_She was pulling her stool out trying to climb on top of it._

"_Better go grab your girl Shepherd" Mark laughed taking a swig of his beer._

"_She's not my girl" Derek said glancing down at his phone wondering where is wife was. They were suppose to meet up but she'd never shown. She'd left him a text an hour ago saying she was tied up and would see him later._

"_Well what ever she is to you, you better grab her before she falls on her face."_

_Derek chuckled as he watched Meredith climb onto the bar top. Joe was laughing as she started dancing to the music. Her rhythm off due to the alcohol that was giving her the courage to do the performance in the first place. Standing up he walked over to the bar "Mer, don't you think you should get down."_

"_Dude let her go, she's hot" some young hot shot Derek recognized as an intern spoke up._

"_Dude" Derek mimicked "shut up will ya."_

_Meredith giggled "aww my knight and shining whatever, will you save me Derek" before she could even finish her thought the heel of her boot got caught on the rail of the bar and she slipped. Thankfully Derek was still on top his game and reached out catching her._

_Lying in his arms she had giggled. Smiling she touched his cheek "see you are my knight and shining whatever…guess that means I'll have to keep you" she whispered and then she was sliding down his body, running off to once again join her friends. He had stood their motionless trying to keep his body from reacting to the feel of her body, wishing the words she spoke were true…wanting nothing more than to be hers._

Derek sat in the parking lot of Joes watching the neon sign blinking merald as the "E" in Emerald was burned out. Gaining his courage he walked towards the bar. Opening the door the musky scent of smoke mixed with stale boos hit him causing him to wince. Walking down the stairs his eyes fell upon her sleeping form in the corner and his heart stopped-and the pain once again seeped in filling his every pore…


	11. Chapter 11

He nodded at Joe as he walked past the bar, only a few lonely patrons still graced the facility as the single waitress and Joe worked to clean up and close down. She sat in a corner booth a pyramid of shot glasses stacked about seven high stood before her. Her head rested upon her arms as her hair laid sprawled all around her in a golden halo. He approached slowly swallowing hard a couple times as he tried to maintain a grip on the emotions that seeped into his veins the closer he got.

His hand reached out and touched her shoulder. A light shake. A nudge, nothing but a moan as she pulled her arms closer under her head and turned to face him, eyes still closed.

"Meredith."

"Go away" she groaned.

"Meredith, come on. Let me take you home."

Her eyes opened the slightest bit and then she was sitting up "what do you want?"

He was taken by surprise at her sudden hostility, but it was expected "Meredith your in no condition to drive home…I'm here to give you ride."

"No thanks. Really I'll walk."

He watched as she attempted to stand, her footsteps faltering as she stepped off the booth. Her foot twisted and she fell into his arms.

"Meredith please" he pleaded as he held her close "let me drive you home."

"Why? Why do you feel the need to save me Derek. I'm a big girl-I don't need you."

With a slight tilt to his head he smiled sadly "I thought I was your knight and shining whatever…"

"That was a long time ago" she stared coldly into his eyes "now the only thing I need saving from is you."

It hurt. It pierced through him like a scalpel to the heart but he knew he deserved it "Meredith I'm sorry. I really am-but I still need to take you home."

Her eyes bore through him as they filled with a hatred like he had never seen. The green sea like orbs glistened with unshed tears that ate away at him knowing he was the reason they rested there.

"You don't get to be sorry. You don't get to apologize for that night Derek. I don't want your apologies" she lashed out as she grabbed her purse "take me home."

She stumbled. She wavered in her steps. She was far from sober but lucid enough to feel the effects he was having on her. She wished she'd had more. Wanted nothing more than to feel the numbness that another couple of shots would have brought. Anything other than the feel of his warm hand as it brushed against the middle of her back as she faltered in her steps. The lure of tequila would take away the chills that raced through her body when his hand grazed her own when both reached for the latch of the car door. Yes more alcohol would have been nice right about now….

He placed his key in the ignition and listed to the soft hum of the engine as they sat for a second. Finally putting the Land Rover in reverse he exited the parking lot. The bright neon lights fading behind them they sat in silence.

She rested her head against the cold glass of the door. The darkness enveloping her as the alcohol lulled her into a fitful sleep.

He watched as her eyes grew heavy and her breathing became soft and even. Somehow he drove past her street. His mind telling him to turn back his heart screaming this would be for the best. They just needed to talk. She needed to know it wasn't her, it was him. She needed to know she was better off without him.

His hand reached out and grazed softly against her warm cheek and he smiled bitter sweetly as she sighed in her sleep. Trying hard to focus more on the road and less on the beautiful woman sleeping next to him he turned up the radio and focused on making the drive to his new home.

Pulling onto the gravel road he held his breath when Meredith stirred preparing himself for the worse. Running a hand across her face she blinked her eyes several times as she tried to figure out where she was.

"Where are we? This isn't my house?"

Derek stepped out of his car and walked quickly around to her door. Opening it he held out his hand to help her out "it's mine. It's my new home Meredith."

Ignoring his hand she stood up and walked past him taking in the land and the big silver trailer than glistened in the moonlight "seriously? Seriously you brought me to your trailer?"

Derek stood back as he watched her fist clinch at her sides and the anger pool in her eyes…


	12. Chapter 12

"Why? Why am I here?" she asked as she stood in defiance in front of him. Her anger shown through her eyes almost daring him to approach. She was holding nothing back and the thought that she hated him hurt so deeply…

"I needed to-we needed to talk."

"Talk. You want to talk? About what Derek. Do you want to talk about how you walked out on me? Or perhaps you want to talk about fucking me the day you buried your wife because both of them are such fond memories for me…" she lashed out as she turned her back to him.

Closing his eyes it was as if she had slapped him. Only he was sure the physical pain of a slap would have failed in comparison to what he was feeling standing here watching as she fell apart before him.

"Meredith my demons, my past has nothing to do with you and everything to do with why I left"

"I was your best friend Derek and you walked away leaving me to feel like nothing more than a one night stand. I don't want to hear your excuses" turning to walk away he grabbed her wrist pulling her forcefully to him.

"Don't you get it " his eyes held just as much if not more pain than her own "that's why it hurt so much. That's why I had to walk away " his face was mere inches from hers as he struggled to find the words to make her see why he couldn't want her "it's because you're my best friend."

"What so that gives you the excuse to hurt me?"

"Damn it Meredith, I didn't want to hurt you."

She laughed as she struggled to pull away "you could of fooled me."

"No, I'm not letting you walk away until you listen to me."

"You don't get to tell me what to do-you don't get to ask for forgiveness Derek. You lost that right when you walked away…"

"Do you think I wanted to walk away. I hated myself for leaving you there, knowing you would wake up and hate me" his voice cracked as he tried to continue "but I had no right to hold you Meredith. I was a married man and I wanted you…for so long I thought of what it would be like to hold you in my arms. It wasn't my wife that made me feel that way-it was you."

Turning he put a little distance between them before turning back to face her "it was you that made me sick to my stomach thinking of other men touching you with their hands. You were the one who kept me up late at night because you scent lingered on my shirt…I tried Meredith. Damn I tried so hard to fight it and then…" his eyes cast downward as he struggled to finish "then I find out I resisted for nothing…because she was already done with our marriage. She had already moved on-but still Meredith, you tell me what kind of man sleeps with his best friend after burying his wife? Is that really the kind of man you want in your life…I was trying to save you from the hurt."

"I'm a big girl Derek-I don't need saving. Especially from you."

"I don't know how to fix this, how to go back" he was searching for an answer he knew she didn't have.

"Can we go back?" she asked quietly as her heart broke. She didn't want to go back, only forward.

"I'm not sure Meredith and I'm sorry for that. I'm so sorry."

Her shoulders slumped as she sat down on the bottom step "what do we do now?"

Joining her on the step he smiled softly "try. Try to be friends again?"

She nodded as she looked into those blue eyes she had grown to rely on for happiness so long ago "friends."

"It's a step. Nothing more nothing less…" he smiled holding his hand out to her.

She glanced down at the hand that had brought her so much pleasure. Those long fingers, such a masculine grip. Placing her small hand in his she smiled back trying to fight the tears from building up once again "friends" she whispered watching as his hand closed over hers.

Derek tilted his head, staring at how beautiful she was. Knowing she was and would always be the most important person in his life. She was the reason he kept going now…and he would make sure she never knew exactly how much it hurt to love her.

"Do you want me to take you home?"

Nodding she pulled her coat tighter around her small frame as the warmth of his touch disappeared. Standing up she started to walk towards his car when she stopped and looked back over her shoulder at him "you live in a trailer?"

Derek through back his head in laughter realizing her surroundings had just sunk in. Smiling he opened her door noting that for the first time in weeks he actually felt like living again.


	13. Chapter 13

Meredith sat in silence as they drove back to her place. She didn't feel much better, but at least she no longer felt rejected. Watching as his hands gripped the steering wheel her brow furrowed as she tried to find the words she needed to say…

"Derek I'm sorry."

He glanced her way a puzzled look crossing his chiseled features "Meredith you have nothing to be sorry for."

Nodding she continued as if he hadn't said anything at all "I'm sorry about Sara. I'm sorry I couldn't save her and most of all I'm sorry for not being able to comfort you the way I should have. We wouldn't be in this mess if I had."

Derek let his right hand leave the wheel as he blindly searched for hers "Meredith you comfort me just by being you. This is not your fault…it's nobody's fault."

The silence loomed between them once again as they thought about various events that had led up _to that night. _

"Derek your not a bad guy. I mean for sleeping with-well for being with me that night. Your marriage was over and you were grieving with a friend…it's okay."

He smiled softly "thanks for the support _friend."_

His eyes held a glint of mischief as he smiled "I guess there were no complaints. I mean I always knew we would be good…just didn't realize we'd be _that_ good."

"Seriously?"

"What? I'm just saying."

Crossing her arms over her chest she shot him a hateful look "your awfully sure of yourself. Maybe it was just okay for me."

"Just okay? I don't think so Mer."

"Your such an ass. Actually it really wasn't that good at all…I was so drunk I hardly remember any of it at all" keeping her eyes trained on the road her thoughts proved exactly opposite as her mind replayed every detail of what it felt like to have him holding her.

Her skin became heated as she remembered how it felt when he had finally plunged himself into her fully. Swallowing a little too hard she glanced his way only to become infuriated "ass."

That cocky smile played across his face as he leaned in whispering "your thinking of it now…aren't you?"

She grew flushed. Angry. Angry at herself but mostly at him for teasing her in such a way "shut up Derek."

His burst of laughter filled the Land Rover reminding them once again how good it was to laugh together. Meredith smiled gently as she turned to notice they had reached her home.

"Thanks for the ride."

"No problem. Meredith…I really am sorry."

"I know Derek. We'll be okay though right?"

His eyes clouded over as he smiled softly. His hand brushing against her cheek he shrugged "we have to. We're Derek and Meredith. Friends."

Staring into her eyes he reminded himself this is what she needed. To know that he hadn't used her. To know there were no regrets for him…sitting here now though staring into those green eyes that were filled with so much trust his mind screamed at him to yell and tell here they could never be friends again. They could never go back because his body would betray him over and over with thoughts of her. Thoughts of holding her close…those same thoughts filled his head now as he remembered that night…

_He laid in her bed staring out the window at the purple haze that was filling the sky as the sun snuck up over the clouds. The soft snore could be heard as it filled the room and he smiled softly as he stared at her sleeping form. Her hand was curled over his chest as if she was holding his heart and Derek allowed a bitter laugh escape his lips as he thought of just how true that was. Glancing down at her one last time he lifted her arm and gently untangled their arms escaping the room as anguish over took him._

"_I love you Meredith."_

_Gathering his clothes he had left her apartment filled with such hatred at himself but knowing he could never lie in those arms again without hurting her…_

"Derek you okay…you looked lost ."

Nodding he squeezed her hand "I'm fine. I'll be fine. We'll be fine."

"Derek…" she started but couldn't find it to finish that thought as she stared into the eyes of the only man who had managed to capture her heart completely. Sitting beside him she knew deep down they would never be okay…but she would try…for him, for them. She would try to forget. Try to toss away the memories of what it felt like to lie with him…

_The bed had sank beneath his weight as he crawled in behind her. She held her breath as she felt him hesitate but finally sighing as his arms wrapped around her pulling her in close. The way their bodies fit against one another was as if they had been created just to do that. His strong arms rested just beneath her breast as her bottom curved and rested against his groin-perfection. His chin rested atop her head as she breathed him in. Closing her eyes she drifted off to sleep easily…knowing he was there to hold her tight._

They were standing now on the step of her front porch. The clouds over head loomed with the storm that was brewing. The same storm that seemed to brew in each others eyes as they tried to do what each thought was best.

He reached for her first pulling her in for a hug. He breathed in deep, soaking his senses with that familiar scent. Trying to memorize it as to keep him comforted in time to come.

She closed her eyes as she felt those strong arms once again holding her close. If ever there was a place she would never want to leave-it was in his arms. Her world felt safe when he held her. Compete. Pulling back she smiled softly knowing it wasn't meant to be.

"Well thanks again" she whispered softly into the night air.

"No problem. See you at work tomorrow?"

"Your coming back so soon?"

He chuckled at the surprise that filled her voice "it's time."

Nodding she just worried her bottom lip as she tried to find something else to say "well tomorrow then…"

Turning to walk away he smiled in a way that filled her with hope and yet left her feeling all alone.

"Tomorrow…"


	14. Chapter 14

Walking through the halls of Seattle Grace Derek took a deep breath as he finally stepped out of the elevator onto the surgical floor. Inhaling the scent of medicine he breathed a sigh of relief. He needed this. To be surrounded by what he knew-what he did best. Surgery was his life, all he had left and after three weeks of spending his days alone on his newly acquired land he was in desperate need of human contact. One particular person was especially capturing his thoughts.

Walking around the corner that familiar laughter caught his attention bringing a small smile to his lips. Nodding a polite hello to a few nurses his steps never faltered as he gathered the courage to go to her. Watching her he smiled as he saw the way she giggled. Her eyes lit in laughter as small strands of her honey blonde hair escaped her pony tail and fell along her neck, curling beneath her ears.

"Hey there" he spoke a little to loudly as he tried to find the courage he was desperately seeking.

Meredith was absorbed in her lunch and the mindless conversation with Mark, that she never heard Derek approach. The soft deep rumble of his voice shook her to the core but somehow turned around.

"Oh hey…your back" the tone of her voice hitched slightly as her eyes clashed with his.

"I'm back" he repeated as he nodded at Mark "good to see you man."

Mark wrapped an arm around Derek "it's good to have you back, the nurses are striking on me again. It will be nice to have someone to vouch for my moral character."

Laughing Derek raised an eyebrow as he winked at Meredith "what moral character?"

"Very funny" Mark grimaced as a nurse walked by bumping him rather rudely before walking away "this is ridiculous, it's not like I did anything they didn't ask for-over and over again."

"Seriously Mark" Meredith shook her head at his stupidity "you really don't see anything wrong with what you did?"

"Don't worry Grey. There is no need to get uptight. I told you I wouldn't mind giving you a taste of my pickle" Mark laughed as he bit into the think slice of dill he was holding in his hand.

Meredith only grumbled a soft threat of castration but Derek's face grew gruff as his features became stone like. It was a joke he knew that. He knew his best friend was afraid of Meredith and her tiny ineffectual fist. Yet somehow, for some reason he wanted to punch Mark.

She noticed the change. Her eyes growing wide as she watched his fist clench at his sides "uhh Mark don't you need to find a nurse for your surgery."

"Yea, damn it. These damn nurses will be the death of me. I'll catch up with you guys later. We should do drinks at Joes after work, catch up, maybe you could do a little repeat performance for us Mer."

Meredith sighed as she watched Mark walk away. Taking a moment before she knew she would have to face him. This was suppose to be easier, they had fixed things. Apologized and all that crap. Yet the idea of trying to pretend they were just friends was more agonizing than anything she had ever gone through. Finally turning she smiled softly.

"So your back, how does it feel?"

"Okay, I mean I just walked through the doors so-well we'll see" he smiled softly as his hand clutched the leather briefcase he was carrying just a little tighter.

"We don't have to go for drinks tonight with Mark, I mean well you know if you don't want to, I mean we can it's just if you don't…" she stopped talking, laughing nervously "I'm sorry, I don't mean to ramble."

"It's okay, and drinks could be nice" smirking he finally gave into the urge to push those stray hairs away from her eyes and tuck them behind her ears "relaxing even."

Nodding Meredith smiled softly as her breath hitched in the back of her throat. Her body was felt over heated as his hands grazed her cheeks. Her blood rushing to her face as the warmth enveloped her "fun…it could be fun."

Derek smiled softly as he nodded once and walked away. Leaving Meredith standing watching him retreat. Her hand resting on her cheek as she tried to fight the heartache that was begging to be released. She could do this, she could be his friend, she could help him through this. Only she knew doing so would mean allowing her own heart to break.


	15. Chapter 15

Derek watched Meredith walked into the operating room as a nurse helped her place on a gown. The cap on her head held her hair back and the mask across her face hid her mouth, her eyes however were visible. The deep greens pooled with emotion as she tried like hell to avoid his gaze. He watched her motions. The gracefulness of her walk, the gentleness in her voice as she addressed her patient. The subtle avoidance as she barely glanced his way.

Cocking his head he leaned against the wall. Arms crossed against his chest he smiled softly as she nodded. His thought was filled with images he had sworn to push away. The subtle scent that filled his nostrils was like a beacon guiding him to safety. The gentle say of her hips as she walked was a constant reminder of the way it felt to hold on to those same hips as he thrusted inside her.

Meredith felt as if she was suffocating. The way his eyes held onto her was too much. The glances that emitted from those baby blues were anything but friendly. Smoldering maybe. Friendly, no. She took her place at the head of the table as she watched him slowly walk over and join her.

"Dr. Grey."

"Dr. Shepherd" her voice shook slightly as he watched him smile beneath the small mask that covered his face.

Glancing around Derek felt good about being back. Holding the blade in his hand he took a deep breath "it's a beautiful night to save lives people-shall we?"

Meredith watched as the scalpel made the first cut. She watched him intently as he worked. Watching as his strong hands held on to the surgical instruments and worked with such ease. Those hands had made her body feel more alive than she ever had. The magic in those long strong fingers made her body come to life as she remembered how it felt as they grasped her hips. How they felt as they ran over her breast. Her….

"Dr. Grey?"

Meredith glanced up a shocked and very embarrassing look falling over her features "umm yes Dr. Shepherd?"

Derek chuckled slightly at her blush. Shooting her a knowing glance he nodded toward the patient "I asked if you would like to remove the tumor?"

"Oh well, um yes. I would. I mean I do. I'm-yes. Yes I'd like to remove the tumor."

He smiled as her hand touched his. Through the latex he felt her hand tremble. Glancing up he smiled softly "it'll be okay…remember."

She immersed herself in his gaze as his hand gently enveloped hers. Slowly he guided her through her first cut and even through the surgical mask she could see the smile on his face as she continued on her own.

"You're an excellent student Dr. Grey."

"I've learned from the best" she spoke softly of the procedure at hand and yet somehow both knew she was referring to more than surgery.

The rest of the surgery flew by. Falling into that simple dance they did so well. The complimented each other as if they were meant to work in harmony. Each step, each movement flowing with one another. Walking into the scrub room Derek hastily removed his ferry covered scrub cap. Leaning against the sink he smiled as she walked in only to collapse against her own wall.

"That was amazing" she sighed as a wave of euphoria fell over her.

"It was, your pretty amazing."

She smiled as she grew flush at his comment "thanks. My teacher is pretty amazing himself. I saved him Derek. We were losing him and I saved him. God. That will never get old."

He stood there watching her rejoice in her work. That was what made her such a good doctor. She never took a single day. A single surgery for granted. She would soon be the best in her field and it was her amazement with it all that made her so successful. She was grounded and level headed and yet the most simple surgical procedures made her gush as if it was all new.

"We really should join Mark now to celebrate."

She stopped smiling as she stared at him "_celebrate_."

"Drinks Meredith."

"We can do drinks "she whispered as she turned on the water and gently began cleansing her hands.

He walked up beside her. His elbows brushing against her arms as he lathered his own hands "we can do drinks Meredith. We can be friends. We might not ever go back to what we were…" he paused as his eyes grew dark with a passion that she easily recognized "but we can be friends. So drinks?"

She was short of breath but she knew she had to do this to move past everything that was blocking their paths "okay then drinks" with that she dropped her towel in the wastebasket and smiled as she walked away. Her heart pounding as she walked towards the residents lounge to change. She was having drinks with Derek. Drinks was okay. It was safe. Closing her eyes and shaking her head at the images trying to push through her head she mentally told herself to make sure she had a few drinks-she would need it to get through this night.

Derek walked into Joe's. He wore a pair of jeans and a white button down. His hair messy from the wind that had picked up outside. Walking down the few steps needed to access the bar he took notice of Mark in the corner. He was obviously hitting on a pretty red head in the corner. His mouth close to her ear as Derek was sure he was whispering sweet nothings laced in bull shit into her ear. Nodding Mark acknowledged his presence and walked towards him.

"What are you drinking. First round on me but then you have the rest" Mark teased as they took their seats at the bar.

"Scotch. Where is Meredith? I thought she was joining us?" Derek asked trying to mask his obvious curiosity over the third party to their little trio.

Mark glanced around "she's here somewhere. I warn you she has a head start on us. There she is" he pointed to a secluded part of the very small, overly crowded dance floor.

Squinting he barely made her out. Finally he took notice of her jeans that hugged her ass just right. The black sweater that outlined her figure, giving just a tease of the woman that lied beneath. Sitting there his hands itched to wrap themselves in the silk that fell down her back in soft curls. She was so simple unlike…

Derek stopped mid-thought as guilt poured over him. Holding his scotch glass tighter he couldn't help but allow the thoughts of his dead wife overcome him. Throwing back the last of the amber liquid he allowed himself to order another. Darkness clouding his heart and his mind. Visions of blackness was the comfort he was seeking. A chance to forget would come with the alcohol. Glancing once again in her direction he watched as a man dressed in a green sweater stood at her side. Nodding and laughing as he held out his hand.

Derek fought with the knots that formed in his stomach as he watched her step into his arms. He heard her girlish giggle as it drifted across his room. Usually leaving him warm and comforted tonight it left him cold and angry as he watched her stand, embraced in another man's arms.

"You okay? I mean with Sara and all that stuff?" Marks voice held an uncomfortable note as he tried to dig a little into his friends life.

There it was again. Guilt. Guilt for being more concerned with Meredith's dancing partner than his wife's death "yea. I'm fine" he spoke slowly as his hand continued to clench his glass almost to the point of shattering.

The floor was lit in a dim light. Music softly played in the back round as it lulled tipsy patrons on to the dance floor. Meredith stood in the embrace of the mans arms, her head resting on his shoulder as he gently maneuvered them in small circles. Derek could feel a burn rising in his stomach as the bile threatened to make it's way out of his stomach. His throat constricted as he tried to come up with an excuse to interrupt them, to cut in. His eyes cast down as he silently screamed at himself. He had no right, no claim. She wasn't his and she never would be. He was wrong for her. She deserved someone that was able to give her everything he wasn't. Someone that wasn't an emotional cripple. She deserved someone gentle and kind. Someone that would hold her and touch her the way she deserved to be touched. That last part hurt the most as visions of her head thrown back in pleasure ran through his head. Pleasure someone else would be bringing to her body. A body he had claimed as his.

"Mine" he whispered softly as he glanced up once again.

This time however when he looked up his eyes clashed with hers. Her chin rested on the gentleman's shoulder. Their eyes locked and in that moment he wished he could read her thoughts. Wished he knew exactly how she felt about him…if the hate he feared she had ran deep.

Meredith could feel the tears pricking the backs of her eyes as she watched him sitting watching her. He held a glass of what she was sure was scotch in his left hand while the right was clenched into a tight fist. She wanted to scream, to yell, to beg him to give in and fight for her but she knew she couldn't. As she danced in Finn's arms she pleaded with herself to feel the same for him. She wanted him to be able to solicit the same deep emotions in her that Derek was capable of . She pleaded silently with the hands that held her to awaken the passions inside her that were begging to be released, yet she knew. She knew the only hands that had ever made her feel that way was his…and it was wrong. The timing was wrong. The love she felt for him was wrong. He was mourning and she was chasing him like a school girl with an infatuation. Shaking her head she broke the gaze that was causing her body to overheat.

Fanning herself she pulled back and smiled at Finn.

"You okay?" he asked sweetly.

Smiling softly she silently once again berated herself for not being able to feel something for this man. For any man besides Derek.

"I'm fine. Just hot…I need to use the ladies room. Splash some cold water on my face. Maybe get some fresh air."

Finn nodded with a slight smile and watched her walk away.

Meredith all but sprinted across the floor.

Derek stood. Watching as she ran. Knowing she was running from him. Sitting his glass on the bar he turned to run after her as he felt a hand come to rest on his shoulder.

"You sure your okay man?" Mark asked.

"Yea. I'm fine just slightly claustrophobic. I need some fresh air. Sit here…I'll be back."

Mark nodded as he sat watching his friend chase after the woman he should have been chasing a lifetime ago. Smiling he took a swig of his beer and hoped those two fools could see past their pain and find each other.

Derek pushed the back door open walking out into the crisp fall air. He noticed her immediately. She stood with her back to him staring off into the night.

"Meredith."

She turned quickly to face him "don't Derek. Don't walk out here and apologize to me."

"Meredith" he pleaded as his voice broke.

"I tried Derek. I'm trying. But your looking at me and I can't breathe when you look at me. I can only feel and I don't want to feel Derek. "

He stared at her confused, lost in what she was saying and yet wanting nothing more than to pull her in close and make all the hurt go away.

"You said friends. We said friends but I can't be your friend anymore Derek. I can't."


	16. Chapter 16

"_You said friends. We said friends but I can't be your friend anymore Derek. I can't"_

Derek stared into those green eyes that were filled with so much pain. Pain he had caused. His heart broke. His stomach clenched at the thought of her pushing him away forever.

"Meredith we can work through this."

"No Derek we can't. Because I'll never have the chance of being happy with you looking at me like that. I'll never be able to forget about that night if you don't allow me to…and I need to forget Derek. I really need to forget."

"Meredith I wish I could stop staring at you. Stop wanting you. You have no idea the guilt that eats away at me knowing that I touched you the way I did. I wanted you. No I needed you but I was so rough. So demanding."

"I wanted you to Derek. It wasn't just you."

"Maybe your right, but none the less it was wrong. I had just buried my wife. My wife of ten years and the only thing I could do to ease the pain was…was to…"

"Fuck me?"

He shook his head at how much it hurt to hear her speak of that night in such a way "I was going to say make love to you Meredith" he closed the gap between them as he stared down into those green eyes that had once held so much light "I didn't fuck you or use you. I made love to you, we made love."

She shook her head in denial as she fought to find her voice "no Derek that requires feeling…"

"Love?"

She nodded yes. Knowing her voice was to filled with emotion to even attempt to speak.

"Meredith you're my best friend. Of course I love you. How could you doubt that."

She wanted to scream at him. To yell that that was not the love she wanted from him. She didn't want to be his best friend. She wanted more-so much more.

Swallowing hard she heard the door open as some of the bars patrons rushed out into the night "I should go."

"Meredith…"

Shaking her head she stepped back "Finn's waiting and he's a good guy Derek."

He's a good guy. God how it hurt to hear her say it. Because he knew she was right. Finn was a good guy and he wasn't. Finn deserved her and he didn't.

"You should go. Go back to your good guy."

"Where does this leave us Derek?"

"Where do you want it to leave us?"

She stood watching the pain once again build it's ugly wall up around him. He was closing her out. Just as she had asked and yet it hurt so much.

"Derek…" she stepped towards him. Her hand reaching out to swipe a tear away from his eyes.

He quickly turned away. Shame filling him. Weakness at allowing her to see his emotions.

"It doesn't have to be this way" she pleaded with him.

He watched her lick her lips in fear. Hurt filling her expressions it pained him to know he was the cause of this. He had done right by her that night by walking away. Nothing he could do would ease the hurt that shown in those deep green eyes. He had failed her. Failed himself. Failed his marriage…

"We can't Meredith. We knew then and we know now. We can't go on and pretend…pretend things will just go back to the way they were. Your right. We can't pretend to be friends anymore. Your right…"

Laughing bitterly she began to pummel him with her fist. Screaming at him as she gave into all the pain and hurt that filled her soul and released her furry upon him "damn you Derek Shepherd. Damn you for making me feel this way. I hate you. I hate you so much…."

Derek caught her wrist between his big hands. Stopping the small hits she was throwing upon his chest. Pulling her close to keep her from hurting herself or him he stopped as their eyes met.

He glanced down at her full lips. The small dart of her tongue against he rosy bottom lip. Her eyes were wide and her breast heaved against him in anger and shock at being so close to him. The seconds ticked by and neither one said a word as each battled the turmoil that spun round and round deep inside them. Finally he spoke. A whisper. A barely heard plea…

"Meredith…"

One minute she was hating him. The next her fingers tangling in his unruly locks pulling his head closer to hers "I still hate you…" she whispered quietly right before her lips captured his. She held her breath until she felt his arms wrap around her slight frame and then she sighed in relief. Their kiss deepened as it demanded from them both. Demanded they give in. Demanded that they release the pain and give into the pleasure.

Derek's hands wrapped around the back of her head, tangling in her hair he tipped her head back as his lips left hers and wove a path of sensations along her jaw and down her neck. His mind was screaming at him to let her go. To not take this path yet again and yet his body. His heart. Both screamed at him to never let her go again. Pleading with him to stop pretending. To stop pushing her away.

Meredith felt her arms wrap around his neck the small curls at the back of his neck tickled against her fingertips. Closing her eyes she gave into the sensations. She allowed her body to awaken under his plight. The softness of his lips. The roughness of his hands it was too much to bear and yet it was the relief she had been seeking for so long now. She felt his body as it awoke. His hardness cradled between his legs begging her to take this further. She struggled for the briefest of moments.

Pulling back Derek stared into her eyes knowing she was struggling. Her eyes were wide in fear and desire as their breaths both came in short hard gasp.

He wanted nothing more than to pull her shirt over her head. To release the confines of her pants and get lost inside her body. To forget the plain and concentrate on the pleasure…

"Meredith" his voice was gruff. Full of emotion.

She could tell he was tittering on the brink of pulling back. She knew she needed to decided what she wanted. Knowing this may or may change a thing. Staring into the eyes of the man who had once comforted her every fear she knew. She knew she couldn't turn him away no matter how much he hurt her, or himself.

"Take me home Derek…."


	17. Chapter 17

_**Hi guys! So first off let me thank those who are reading my story. I post a lot of my work on other boards but I'm pretty new to this site. For those of you who have commented thank you…it means a lot. I would like to ask for some feed back though…I really haven't had much and I'm not really sure if you guys are enjoying this…or if I should stop posting. Again I'm pretty new here so not sure how the comments work here but I'd love any kind of feed back…even constructive criticism…thanks again guys!**_

_**Jenny**_

"_Take me home Derek…"_

His eyes glazed over with pain. As he sat in his dark trailer. The sound of the rain starting to beat against the aluminum sides. He sat in a folding chair nursing a cup of coffee. It wasn't what he wanted, but it would do. The need to taste the burning sensations of scotch would have to wait. He needed a clear head. He needed a chance to think without the lull of numbness that he'd been allowing himself to succumb to . Sitting all alone he allowed his mind to drift over the hours past…he allowed his heart to feel the pain again…

"_Take me home Derek…" she had whispered quietly. _

_Almost too quietly. He'd stared into those eyes and for the briefest of moments thought it was a joke. Surely she wasn't going to push him away after allowing him to kiss her that way. After jumping into his arms again. It had felt so right. At first he had been unsure. Not wanting to respond to her kiss. To the feel of her arms wrapped around his neck. However it hadn't taken but the briefest of seconds for his body to respond to her. His heart to awaken and scream a silent yes at the feeling of holding her once again so close. Yet here she stood asking him to take her home._

"_Home?"_

"_I need to go home. I can't do this right now, and I can't let Finn see me like this."_

_Nodding he had turned and walked silently. Listening to her footsteps that had followed solemnly behind him. A mess. The only way to describe them was a mess._

Derek stood as he walked over to the door of his trailer. Stepping outside he stood on the small covered stoop. Staring out into the wet night he watched the rain drench the land. He listened to each drop as they fell to the ground replenishing the earth. His steps carried him out into the rain.

_Pulling up in front of her house he gripped the steering wheel tightly. Through clenched teeth he tried to grasp at straws to somehow fix them. To somehow pick up the broken pieces and place them all together again._

"_Meredith."_

"_Don't. I can't" she whispered in the darkness._

"_If you leave like this Meredith we'll never be able to fix things. Never be able to go back."_

"_That's just it Derek. I don't want to go back."_

_With that she stepped out into the night air. A light rain fell as she paused to look back at him "you just don't get it do you…" shaking her head she swiped at tears that were furiously falling. Turning she walked away this time not to look back._

_He sat there for moments. Watching as she walked through her front door. Waiting for the familiar light of her apartment to kick on. Anger. Hurt. Betrayal all battled it out inside him, she didn't want to go back. She couldn't do it anymore. He had lost her. She was gone…driving away he felt as if he left his heart lying in the street battered and torn never to be fixed again._

Standing now in the dark as the rain pelted his back as he stared into the night once again finding himself filled with such a rage at the way his life was turning. Wanting to scream he listened to the roar of the thunder instead. Thinking of how fitting that the storm outside matched the storm that was raging through his blood.

Soaked to the bone he glanced up as the faint glare of lights shown down the winding path. He squinted. Watching. Trying to make out the car as it suddenly appeared in front of him slowly coming to a stop.

He stood there for seconds waiting. Lightning flashed and she was suddenly standing in front of him. The rain striking her skin and soaking her clothes. He watched as she slowly walked towards him. Unaware to the storm that brewed around them she seemed determined as she finally came to rest in front of him.

"Why can't I just let you go?" she screamed over the thunder that clapped in the distance.

He had no answer so he just stood there watching as her hair curled and clung to her face.

"I hate you Derek Shepherd. I want to hate you enough to walk away and never see you again and I mean that from the bottom of my heart."

Anger was finally fueling him "well then why don't you. I mean I'm trying to be the better man here Meredith. I'm trying to walk away but here you are once again. Standing here. In front of me. Taunting me with the very thing I'll never have."

"Taunting you. Hurting you? It's not all about you Derek. What about me. What about what I want?"

"What do you want Meredith. A good guy. Because that's not me. A loyal man to stand by you. I think I proved not to be that guy either. So you tell me what is it you want?"

Taking a deep breath she sighed as her shoulders slumped in defeat. Hurt tore through her soul. Hurt for loving a man that was so broken. Hurt for the man who stood in front of her doubting the goodness that she was sure lived deep inside him.

"I want…."

He stood still in his spot. Waiting for her to finish. Waiting for her to figure out exactly what it was she wanted out of him. Out of herself.

Meredith reached out slowly towards him. A bittersweet smiled played on her lips as she placed a hand on his heart "I want you…I want all of you. Please Derek don't let this destroy us" sobbing she pleaded with him. She was not a person to beg and yet here she stood in the pouring rain begging him to let her love him. To let himself love her.

"Meredith…" his broken sob lingered between them as he spoke her name.

"Please Derek…please love me. Please let me love you…please…"

_**I never thought that I  
Had anymore to give  
You're pushing me so far**_  
_**Here I am without you  
Drink to all that we have lost  
Mistakes we have made  
Everything will change  
But, love remains the same**_


	18. Chapter 18

"_Please Derek…please love me. Please let me love you…please…"_

The rain that washed against his skin. The cold wind that blew across his face. The loudness of the thunder that clapped in his ears all disappeared as her words settle over him. Her small form shook in front of him from cold or anger he wasn't sure but one thing he knew. He loved her. A love that was not new. A love that spanned over the last few years. He had become good at fighting it. Denying it. Tonight though he was done with games. Denial would no longer be his friend.

"Meredith I…" he paused trying to find the words he was searching for.

"Don't Derek. Don't say it. I can't bear to hear you tell me you don't feel the same. Because that means…that means…"

Stepping closer his hand cupped her cheek "Meredith, I love you. I love you so much my heart aches with it but you deserve so much more. I'm not a good guy."

"Derek you are a good guy."

"Meredith" he pleaded with her as she wrapped her arms around him "I wish I was the good guy but just the fact that I'm in love with you proves that to be untrue. I was a married man."

Closing her eyes as her cheek rested against the soaked shirt that clung to his body she allowed her tears to mix in the rain "Derek" she whimpered "you can't help who you fall in love with. It was over Derek, your marriage was over. You were the good guy Derek. You stayed. You stayed and I watched you day in day out go home to her when all I wanted was to tell you how I felt."

"Meredith you need, no you deserve …"

She interrupted him before he could finish "I deserve to be happy. I need you and only you."

Staring down into her upturned face his reserve broke. The damn cracked and the tears fell as easily as the rain around them. He didn't feel weak for crying in front of her. He didn't feel less the man for giving in to the pain that had been crushing his soul for so long. Instead he felt relief. A release so great that there were no words to describe it so instead of words he used the next best thing. Smiling softly his eyes fell to her lips. Leaning in ever so slowly he whispered "I love you Meredith" just before his lips met hers. The taste of tears mixed with renewal filled his soul with hope.

Pulling her close he picked her up in his arms laughing as her legs wrapped around his waist. Running through the thick grass they laughed as the rain now pelted them harder than before. Neither one bothered by the cold they stood on the small covered stoop lost in the feeling of starting over. His hands graced her cheeks as he kissed her once again. It was sweet. One that spoke of new love but soon grew more demanding as lust and need began to take over.

His lips softly nipped hers. The kiss deepening until their tongues dueled in a never ending match.

"You feel so good" he whispered as they broke apart "are you sure Meredith?"

"I've never been more sure of anything in my life Derek."

No more encouragement was needed. The fact that she wanted him even a fraction as much as he needed her was enough. Carrying into the house he softly sat her down on the floor in front of his bed.

His eyes never left hers as his hands nimbly pulled her sweater over her head. Her skin glistened with the dampness caused by the rain. Smiling he used his index finger to trace a path from her neck down to her cleavage. Laughing as small goose bumps danced along her flesh "beautiful" he whispered as his mouth lowered to trail small kisses along the same path his finger had taken only seconds before.

Meredith tangled her fingers in his hair as the sensations cause by his mouth assaulted her body. Nothing had felt so right than this. To make love to Derek. She felt his fingers brush over her abdomen causing her insides to jump in excitement as his fingers popped open the button of her jeans. Pushing them over her hips. Her thighs. Until they lay in a puddle of a mess at her ankles.

Dropping to his knees Derek took in her beauty. Relishing on all the small things he had overlooked the first time. His lips traced a delicate pattern around her navel and along her hips. The soft gasp of pleasure escaping from between her lips causing his cock to jump and twitch in the anticipation of the pleasure yet to come.

Once again rising to his feet Derek stood before her and allowed her own hands to explore his body. Closing his eyes as she worked each button of his shirt loose until her fingers had freed his chest to her gaze. Her lips nipping and kissing his collar bone as her hands worked over the expanse of his chest. Her fingers dipping into his jeans once she had unbuttoned them as she pushed them off his wet skin. Each kiss. Each featherlike touch sent his senses reeling as he felt emotions he had never felt before. Staring wide eyed he watched her slowly push the straps of her bra off her shoulders and free her breast only to dip her thumbs into her panties and toss them into the same corner her bra had landed. She stood before him gloriously naked. Beauty in it's purest form and she wanted him.

His lips ached to drink from her ivory skin. His fingers giving into temptation and brushing against her breast. His hand cupping first one and then the other as his fingers deftly and yet gently brushed against the raspberry peaks that begged to be touched. Lowering his head his lips graced first one and then the other until her moans filled the small room. Wrapping his arms around her he buried his face in her chest as he held back the tears that threatened to fall. Amazing. This was the only word that could even begin to describe her. His emotions were teetering on the brink as he lifted her into his arms once again only lay her onto the soft red down com

"Staring."

"I can't" he whispered as he dropped a kiss on her collarbone.

"Sure you can. It's easy just look away."

"I can't" he whispered again as his lips made their way over the valley of her cleavage leaving tiny trails of kisses in their wake "your too beautiful."

"Derek…please" she pleaded with him as his lips paused to tease and torment the soft skin of her thighs. His hands worked over her hips, kneading and massaging her.

Smiling, he needed no instructions. He knew what her body was pleading for even if she didn't have the words or courage to ask.

Smiling he glanced up at her. Squinting in the darkness a flash of lightning lit the room just enough to see her eyes closed and her mouth open as she awaited. Anticipation glistening upon her features as he parted her legs and gave her exactly what her body silently pleaded for from him.

Breathing deeply Meredith lost her sense of where she was as she felt his mouth. His glorious mouth, and his tongue. Nothing had ever felt like this. Nothing had ever caused her body to give up every boundary. To allow herself to give in completely to a man and yet here she was lying beneath him as his mouth moved over her. Teaching her to bask in the glory of what it felt like to give in to love.

Lying between her legs he gave selflessly. His mind, body and soul only there to pleasure her. His own pleasure worked it's way out in the way he worked over her body. Every gasp, moan and squeal of pleasure he evoked from her body brought just that much more pleasure to his own. Her taste was addicting and the need to devour her forever was laced in his mind. He felt her body tense beneath his hands as he gripped her hips a little rougher than he had as she rode out her release. Smiling as he felt her collapse he quickly removed his boxers and moved over her body. The perspiration glistening on her breast and abdomen left over from her orgasm. A small smile played across her lips as he came to rest between her thighs. Groaning as his hardness came to rest against her causing him to tighten and lengthen from the pleasure of it all.

"That was…you were…well you know."

He smiled as she blushed "you can't be embarrassed after that Meredith and trust me there is so much more to come" nibbling on her ear his body reacted further as chills worked through her causing her to shudder beneath him "so much more…"

"Derek" she panted as he nipped at her tiny ear capturing it between his teeth. Her hips involuntarily moved against him as her body awakened once again this time demanding an even more intense pleasure "Derek…please…"

Stopping in his assault on her ear he stared into those deep green eyes and for the briefest of moments hesitated "Meredith. Are you sure?"

"Oh yes. I'm sure."

Lacing his fingers through hers he captured them above her head. His lips dropping to meet hers he devoured her bringing her senses to a heightened level he tried to keep his composure as her body danced beneath his begging for that union that was suddenly so daunting to him.

"I don't want to hurt you. I'm so afraid of hurting you" his voice was gentle as he pleaded with her for assurance.

"You never hurt me Derek. Not physically. I need you…that's the only way you'll ever stop the hurt…"

Watching her as she spoke he knew she was speaking from somewhere deeper than the heart. Smiling he pulled her legs up to rest around his waist and with a gentle push he gave them both what they needed.

He wanted to scream out in the pleasure of it. Not just the sensations running through his body but the huge void that seemed to be filled in his soul. Opening his eyes he stared into the eyes of the woman that owned his soul as he gained control over her body. Never had anything felt as perfect as this moment. Never had anything brought him such pleasure than watching her as he moved deep inside her body.

They moved together as if they were dancing the most gracefully choreographed of dances. Their movements mimicking that of one another as they climbed higher and higher. Pulling back slightly he grasped her hands tightly as their mouths met and their souls collided and they crashed together. Colliding hand in hand in pleasure until they both lie soaked in sweat.

Pulling back a little he glanced down to make sure she was okay. Smiling as he noticed the small smile that played on her own lips.

"Don't move yet. I'm not ready for it to be over yet…" she pleaded as she pulled him back onto her body.

Rolling gently so she was lying atop him he stayed embedded in her body. Not able to complain about her request because truth be told if he could he would stay there forever.

"I'm glad you came back Mer."

A small tear crept out of her eye as she listened to the gentle lull of his heart beneath her ear "I'm glad you let me love you Derek."

"I had no choice Meredith. My heart belongs to you…in some way I think it always has."

Their words died as exhaustion took over. The soft sounds of the rain and wind sung a gentle lullaby and soon they slept. Lost in a land of dreams tangled in a bed of love….


	19. Chapter 19

She awoke with a start sometime in the middle of the night. The sweet comfort of his embrace making her smile. Rolling over she allowed her fingers to trace over his chiseled jaw. Over his crooked nose and along the small lines that framed his eyes.

In sleep he looked beautiful. She took advantage of the silence and the faint light of the moon to watch him as he slept. He was a sliver of the man she once knew. His laughter not as light his smile not as deep but in the hours she had spent making love with this man she knew no matter what she would love him just as deeply.

Standing she quietly tiptoed to the chair in search of her clothes. Settling for his discarded t-shirt and a pair of his boxers. Grabbing a throw that was tossed over a chair haphazardly she opened the door and stepped out into the night air. Curling up in a chair she sat outside looking out over his newly acquired land. The beauty and majesty of it shining through. The rain had left a dew that glimmered beneath the moonlight as she searched out the various nooks and crannies that she was sure in daylight would shine in magnificent glory.

Pulling her knees up to her chest she pulled the wool blanket tighter around her shoulders as the cold fall air cut through her. She should go inside but something was keeping her from lying next to him. A fear was creeping into her soul. Uncertainties at what the morning would hold clouding her happiness. She had never loved a man as deeply as she loved this man. Never looking so far past somebody's faults to allow herself to fall helplessly and foolishly in love. Somewhere deep down. The fear that he would change his mind kept playing with her heart. Loving Derek was like nothing she had ever experienced . Loosing him would be a hurt like no other and she wasn't sure she was strong enough to handle that.

She heard the door open behind her and smiled as she felt him lean over and kiss the top of her head. She would never grow tired of that.

"What are you doing out here? It's freezing" he asked as he picked her up and sat down with her curled in his lap.

"Thinking" she whispered.

Derek watched as she bit her lower lip. Her eyes avoiding his. Swallowing hard for the smallest of seconds fear gripped him that she was falling victim to regret "thinking about what?" he asked as he lifted her chin to look into those eyes.

What he saw broke his heart because he knew deep down she still felt as scared as he. Scared that he was using her to fill a void when in reality the biggest void in his life was when she wasn't in it.

"Us?"

Smiling he kissed her softly "I like the sound of that. Us. You and me. A couple."

Meredith giggled "corny. Silly but yea-I like it to" she smiled softly as she allowed her hand to slip inside his shirt. Resting it against his heart as if it's soft beat was her own lifeline.

She shivered and burrowed deeper into the covers and his arms.

"Cold?" he asked as he held her a little tighter.

"A little" she answered as her eyes caught with his "but I'm not ready to go in quite yet."

Nodding he sat there staring into those eyes that were filled with so much trust that is scared the hell out of him. He was so afraid of failing her. Hurting her. His thumb brushed her cheek as his other hand came up to softly cup her face. The sound of the wind rustling the leaves filled their ears. The smell of the fresh fallen rain mixed with the soft scent of pine leaving a fresh fragrance to the night air. Pulling her in closer he inhaled her soft scent and couldn't help but smile as he smelled the soft scent of lavender mixed with his own woodsy scent. It was animalistic but it pleasured him to know his mark was left on her. A claim he had wanted to make for years now. Leaning in he kissed her. Gently. Softly. He enjoyed her slowly because he new this was the start of the beginning instead of what he thought a week ago was the end. The kiss, as was becoming a habit, deepened and she turned to straddle his waist. Pulling back she smiled as she pulled his shirt over her head to leave her breast to the glow of the moonlight.

She watched as his eyes darkened. His hands reaching up to cup her full breast as he once again showed her exactly how gentle he could be. Teasing and tormenting her to new heights. Pulling the blanket over their bodies they soon gave into the heat that radiated through them. Her hips rocked against his as she raised herself just enough. Allowing him to feel the torture of feeling her body encase him inch by inch.

Once they were as entwined as their bodies would allow she wrapped her arms around his neck. Resting her forehead against his she smiled as she felt the love envelope her.

"You feel so good" she whispered as she softly moved against him.

Laughing he shook his heat trying to gain composure from the intensity of her stare. Gripping her hips he rocked her back and forth enjoying the sensations that radiated through his body "your so amazing."

"I just want to stay here forever" she whispered as her body heaved and pulsated around him "I just wish we could shut everything and everyone else out."

"It'll be okay" he assured her picking up the pace he held her still trying to allow her to take the lead. This was her show, her game "we'll be okay."

Leaning in she kissed him as she allowed his words to encompass her in a temporary safety. Closing her eyes she gave in. Crying out into the night she gasped as she felt him lunge forward catching her and holding her tightly he released himself inside her. Falling back into the chair that once again sat in silence as they watched the sun slowly peak over the clouds. A new day was dawning and the future was looming in front of them. Uncertainties rearing their ugly heads as they tried to steal a few more moments in the safety of their newfound peace.


	20. Chapter 20

Meredith stood on the front stoop smiling into the morning air. She had been right it was breathtaking in the morning light. Watching the trees branches sway in the early morning breeze the slight crisp fall air surrounded her in a comforting way.

Derek stepped out behind her dressed in a pair of jeans and a fitted stripped shirt. Smiling she wiggled her eyebrows in playfulness as she used his shirt to tug him close and place a soft kiss on his lips.

"Well good morning to you too" he whispered as he allowed his own lips to nip and tangle with hers "sleep well?" he asked.

Meredith giggled. The question was absurd considering neither of them had slept more than an hour or so at a time. Waking through the night to make love over and over again. As if their need for one another could never be filled. An insatiable thirst that lingered between them.

"Sleep. Did we do that last night?"

Derek nuzzled her neck "are you complaining. Because if your complaining then I did not do my job right and we should go back inside and try like hell to rectify that."

"In that case…" she teased as her hands once again found their way into his hair and she tugged him forward for a kiss. "Actually I'm not sure I couldn't even attempt to ummm move in the ways you like. I'm sore" she grimaced as a slight blush covered her cheeks.

Derek threw his head back in laughter at the look that graced her face "I'm so sorry Meredith I'm not laughing at you. I promise. Though somehow I do find the fact that you are sore very satisfying."

"Brute" she teased.

"I know very primitive of me. We should get going before I grab you by your hair and pull you back into that bed."

Meredith glanced down at her wrinkled shirt and jeans grimacing "I need to go home and change."

Derek looked her over "you'll be fine. Your going to change into scrubs as soon as you get there anyways."

Nodding Meredith looked out into the gravel at her Jeep that sat parked next to his Range Rover "umm did you want to do in together?"

Derek paused. A feeling of uncertainty settling into the pit of his stomach. Thoughts that he had been able to push to the back of his mind reared their ugly heads. If they drove in together people would know. They would take one look at her, at her clothes and they would figure out what was going on. What had happened. He didn't want that for her. He didn't want her to be labeled as the woman chasing the man who had just buried his wife. They were still so fragile and he wasn't ready for anyone or anything to break through that.

"Well I thought maybe we would drive in separately" his eyes bore into hers as he tried to silently plea with her to understand.

"Oh. Um, yea. Your probably right. That would be for the best" she rambled as her heart began to ache. The uncertainties and hurt from the past slowly oozing through "I should um, well I should get going. Don't want to be late."

"Meredith" he said quietly as she turned to walk away. Pulling her close he kissed her. A kiss to show her love. A kiss to get her though the day. A kiss meant to remind her of what she was to him. "I'll see you at work."

Pulling back she gazed into those blue eyes and wanted to weep with the hurt she was feeling. There was something playing in his eyes. She only wish she knew what it was. Smiling softly she gently pulled away as her fingers intertwined with his one last time. Glancing over her shoulder she smiled as she got in her jeep and drove away.

Derek watched her leave. Hoping and praying she understood. Knowing it was for the best. Walking back into his trailer he grabbed his keys. Glancing over to the bed that was still unmade. The twisted sheets a reminder of the night before. The passion that had led them through the night. The need that had radiated from deep within him. He ached now that she was gone wanting nothing more than to rush to work just so he could see her smile. Smell her familiar scent and hold her close.


	21. Chapter 21

Standing in front of her locker Meredith glanced in the mirror and took in the image of the woman reflected before her eyes. Her fingers danced across her swollen lips, the faint red marks where his five o'clock shadow had grazed her skin along her neck and breast.

Every part of her body was alive with sensations. The memories of last night played in her head like a silent movie as she tried to place the pieces of this morning together in her overly tired mind. It was such a mundane task. Driving to work. Carpooling if you would. They had done it a thousand times and yet this morning it was a symbol that loomed reminding her of how much things had changed.

Logic was telling her to let it rest. He was a new widow. He was afraid of gossip, hurtful words that would be spewed at them for their new, what ever it was they had. Her heart however was hiding out in fear of the rejection he had recently showed her. She was afraid of hurt.

Closing her eyes she allowed her head to rest against the cold metal door. Her thoughts bringing the image of him basked in sunlight avoiding her gaze. The words were simple _"well I thought we would drive in separately" _and yet they brought so many questions to mind. How much time did he need. How much time did they need before they could live a life out in the open. How long would he fear the thoughts and feelings of others before putting themselves first. She knew deep down she wasn't being fair and yet it made the hurt just as painful. She was tired of being fair. Of living on the sidelines while the life she wanted played out before her eyes.

Pulling her scrub top over her head she worked her hair into a messy ponytail and took one last glance in the mirror. The deep purple smudges that marked her eyes were a dead giveaway to her lack of sleep. Smiling softly she knew she would gladly give up as much sleep as needed to feel his arms around her. Grabbing her stethoscope she slammed her locker shut and headed out to start a new day.

_ _ _ _

Derek stepped out of his car and his foot hit a puddle splashing the leg of his jeans "damn it" he cursed as he shook his leg and managed to spill a splash of coffee down the front of his shirt. Groaning he slammed the door of his Land Rover closed and headed towards the front entrance of Seattle Grace.

He was a mess. This morning had not gone as smoothly as he had wanted. The hurt on Meredith's face was more than evident as she had backed out of his long driveway. Complicated. That was the only word that could be used to describe them. Walking towards the elevators he pushed the button repeatedly as if it would allow him to dissipate his frustrations.

Sighing as he watched the lit up numbers he thought of the way it had felt to hold her in his arms last night. Lying next to her as she slept he'd allowed his fingers to tangle through her hair. Closing his eyes he had inhaled that floral scent that he had long ago associated with her. His hands had carefully traced a path down over her neck, her shoulders the length of her arm as he traced patterns along her alabaster skin. The beauty that was her was almost overwhelming as small kisses replaced his fingers on their path. She had awoken soon after and the small touches had turned to more aggressive grasps as they once again made love.

Stepping onto the elevator he smiled politely at a young nurse and hit the button for his floor. He would find her. Pull her off into some secluded corner and remind her exactly how he felt.

_ _ _ _

Several hours later Derek was stewing over the fact that he had not had a moment alone with her. They had passed in the hall while she rushed a patient in through the pit. Smiling softly she had mouthed "hi" and then she was gone.

Lunch had come and gone while he was held up in surgery with a trauma patient and now the dinner hour was quickly approaching and the only thing he could think of was stealing her away from this place and rushing her back to his place.

Just as his he was about to explode in frustration he felt a pair of small arms snake around his abdomen.

"Guess who?"

"Ahh nurse Betty we weren't suppose to meet till eight" he teased, referring to the older nurse who was suppose to retire this week.

"Very funny" Meredith laughed as he turned around to face her.

Quickly glancing around he allowed his lips to brush against hers "I missed you."

"I missed you too. It's been crazy today."

He took in her disheveled ponytail and dark bags under her eyes and took pity on her.

"I kept you up too late last night" he whispered in her ear as he nipped the delicate lobe.

"Yes you did, and I hope you have plans to do it again tonight" she laughed.

Her laughter died quickly however when Derek abruptly pulled away allowing a great deal of distance between them. His voice was gruff as he spoke "Dr. Grey did you happen to check on Mr. Clearance?"

Meredith stood shocked at how quickly he had pushed her away. Glancing as she saw a young nurse approaching she knew what he was doing but it hurt none the less "umm I was on my way there actually."

"Ah. Thank you. Please keep me up to date on his condition. His surgery was a success but the risk of infection is still great."

His voice held a very professional tone. She watched as he nodded and smiled at the nurse. Meredith's heart twisting with jealousy as the attractive woman smiled in a overly friendly way. Like earlier she knew what and why he was doing this…but the hurt was there none the less and she just wasn't sure how to cope with it.

"If there's nothing else Dr. Shepherd I have patients to see."

He detected the note of coldness to her tone. Silently he apologized. Watching as she shrugged it off and smiled. However he noticed her smile and how it stopped just short of reaching her eyes. Eyes that were filled with pain. Pain he was causing. Staring he watched her walk away.

"Dr. Grey…" he shouted out after her.

She stopped, turning to glance back at him.

"I'll see you later?" he asked hoping she would give him the answer he wanted.

She smiled and just turned to walk away. Leaving him to wonder if he would ever win this fight of good versus evil and find the happily ever after they were searching for.


	22. Chapter 22

Her shift was over. Her feet hurt and her head ached to find a pillow and allow herself to drift into oblivion for the next twelve hours. Grabbing her purse she left the locker room, heading home for the night. A part of her wanted to go in search for Derek. Apologize for walking away the way she did earlier in the day. The biggest part of her though was afraid of seeming to needy. Of pushing-pushing him away.

Digging through her purse for her keys she walked out the doors of Seattle Grace. The cold night air blazed her skin leaving cold chills in it's wake. Her footsteps echoed against the sidewalk as a voice rung out like music to her ears.

"I was beginning to think you were going to spend the night here" his voice was laced with amusement and yet there was a note of uncertainty that rang through.

Smiling Meredith walked over to Derek and took a seat beside him. His hand reaching and enveloping her smaller one. She glanced down at their intertwined fingers and couldn't help but think of how much that small gesture meant.

"So…" he spoke softly, unsure exactly where to begin " we're still a mess huh?"

Meredith nodded. The pain from earlier suddenly feeling fresh again "I guess we are."

"We wouldn't be Derek and Meredith if we weren't I guess" he teased as he absentmindedly rubbed small circles on her hand.

It was a small scarcely felt touch and yet it seemed to soothe her doubts. Her mind raced with the thoughts of how much she counted on this man. How simple a touch could comfort her, ease her mind and open her heart. Love was a scary unavoidable emotion and she knew she was in for a bumpy ride.

"So what do we do now?" she asked as she finally gained the courage to glance in his direction.

"We try to be the best we can" he shrugged "I'm new at this too Meredith. Being a widower. I'm afraid of what people will say. The affect it could have on us. I've wanted you for so long it just seems the timing has never been right…I just want some time to discover this on our own before we are marked with gossip and assumptions" he smiled softly as he pleaded with her to understand "I'm sorry for earlier…I just don't want to let people in yet. I want to hide with you and keep everyone out for awhile."

She nodded smiling back as she glanced quickly around to make sure there was no one around. Given the late hour and the extremely cold night they were secluded. Leaning in she kissed him softly "I'll try harder. It's so scary-to love you that is."

His brow furrowed at her words a hurt moving in across his heart "hurts?"

Her eyes danced around avoiding his gaze "I'm so afraid of loving you and then finding out you don't love me back."

His mouth opened as he fought to find the words needed to answer her. The fears playing through her voice shook him to the core. They seemed so absurd and yet he knew his heart feared the same. That he would wake up and find it all to be a dream. It was a beginning to a very rocky relationship and both would need to find a way to overcome the reservations they held.

"Meredith" his voice broke as her green eyes bore into his with such trust "we can do this but I can't promise you it will be easy. I still don't feel as if I deserve you…"

"Derek."

"Let me finish" he smiled as his hand cupped her cheek "I don't believe that I deserve your love, and yet I'm blessed enough to feel it first hand and I promise you I will try like hell to make sure I don't lose that love…I just want to take things slow for once in my life."

"Slow. I can do slow."

Laughing at her double meaning he winked "do you want to get out of here?"

"That depends where are you taking me?" she teased all the while her heart and body were screaming yes.

"Let's go grab some takeout."

"Dinner, that could be nice."

Leaning in he smiled as a smoldering fire took up residence in his eyes "dinner will be nice but dessert will be even sweeter…"

Taking her hand once again in his he pulled her up off the bench as he kissed her softly and then led the way to the parking lot. Both smiling as their steps held a hint of anticipation both unaware of the smiling man watching from the doors of Seattle Grace.

"That's my boy Derek and it's about damn time."

Walking out into the night air Mark carried a briefcase in one hand and a leather jacket in the other. He was happy for his best friend, he knew they were meant to be. He just hoped Meredith could remind Derek of what it was like to live again "just don't screw it up buddy" he shook his head as he pushed the button on his car remote.

Throwing his stuff into the passenger seat he jumped in and brought the engine to life. Driving out of the parking lot he passed the Black Land Rover he knew so well. The sight of the fogged windows causing his laughter to rumble through the car. Maybe his friend had learned a little from him after all.


	23. Chapter 23

The sound of the shower awoke him the next morning. Smiling he rolled over and listened as she sang an off tune rendition of _I kissed a Girl. _Laughing he jumped out of bed and tiptoed to the small shower that sat between the kitchen and the bedroom.

Her silhouette was visible through the steam that covered the small glass door. He stood back for the briefest of moments and watched as her hands worked their way into her body. The sound of the water splashing against the walls provided a constant drumming in his head as he watched her hands work over her breast and slowly over her stomach. It was as if she was taunting him. Beckoning him to join her.

"So are you just going to stand there and watch me all day or would you like to join me?" her voice held a note of slight amusement.

The door opened and she stood before him. The water glistening off her skin as tiny rivulets ran down the valley of her breast. Her hair clung to her face and her eyes held a playful gleam as they shown in a beautiful sea green color.

Stepping in behind her he kissed her softly "good morning."

"It is now" she whispered.

"It's awfully tight in here" he laughed as he tried to push her up against the wall.

"I think we'll manage" her eyes closed as his hands traveled over her wet skin and soon she was lost. Lost in a sea of emotion as tidal waves of pleasure crashed inside her body.

_ _ _ _

Standing in front of his kitchen sink she filled her insulated coffee cup to the brim and glanced around for her lid "so I'm going to head out, I'll see you at work?" she asked as she walked over and placed a small kiss on his lips.

Derek pulled her in tighter as he deepened the kiss and pulled back smiling. Their talk last night had been a good one. He knew that but he could still see a glint of unease in her eyes as she said goodbye.

"Let's ride together."

"What? What about being discreet? Not letting anyone else in right now."

Laughing he grabbed his briefcase "we can still be discreet Meredith. Though I wouldn't say no if you wanted to meet up for a quickie in the on call room…"

Meredith slapped his chest playfully as she looked up at him curiously "I just thought. I mean we don't have to Derek…it's okay…"

"Meredith. I want you to ride in to work with me. Will you do me the honor of riding in my car and filling my fifteen minute commute with you off key singing…please."

"Hey I don't sing off key."

"You do and I love it. Especially when you sing of kissing girls…have you by the way? Kissed a girl?"

"I'm leaving now. Goodbye."

Derek stood in place watching as she walked away. She turned around just as she opened the front door. The early morning sun bounced off her hair as if she wore a halo.

"You coming?" she asked as she held out her hand.

Derek smiled. What a way to start the day. He reached out and took her hand. Stepping out into the cool morning he couldn't help but smile. It was a new day. A new beginning. A fresh start.


End file.
